Did I fake it until I made it?

This is something I’ve been reflecting on for the last 6 months now and it leaves me with mixed emotions.

6 months ago I had to take the reins and be the sole provider of my household which is a stressful situation that many people in the world go through. I had many self-realizations and epiphanies during the last 6 months but I still can’t get this grasp on life.

In the beginning, it was all routine. I knew what had to be done and I knew the bills had to get paid. I set up my habit tracker, and my bullet journal, and I was in and out. I accepted everything as it came and I felt at peace. I felt like I was on the right path; I put myself on my own pedestal and I didn’t care about anything else. The queen of my own world -it was honestly such a high but I don’t know where I went wrong.

I think it was about 2 months ago when I started to get annoyed with my job. I realized that I was working for a public that wasn’t educated and always wanted to argue with you. I realized that I was dumbing things down and stooping to their level because there was no other way for me to articulate print standards. I was once again applying 30% effort in everything I did, my studies, my artwork, my portfolio… my job. And now here I am in this spiral of self-hatred and constant internal dialog (and arguments).

I still have most of my good habits, like showering, brushing my teeth every day, and brushing my hair, (even treating my hair now for the last month) I do my yoga/stretch and I work out at least once a week if I can help it. (I want to work out at least 3 times a week but that can’t be helped) and I clean eat still.

So what do I mean then? Was I in some subconscious reality? Was I hyping myself up for those months only to tear myself down over my own disappointment? How I realize that I could never afford to do anything fun because everything I made went to my bills? I never rewarded myself. I didn’t treat myself on those days I knew I needed more than my standard self-care and I only felt guiltier and guiltier as time went on.

I wish I could say I’m perfect and that I know the timestamps of everything that goes on in my life but I don’t. I tell myself I should record more things but I talk myself out of it. My world doesn’t change much but the outside world does and I’m starting to see myself through a new lens.

I still haven’t made it but I think I stopped faking it.