What’s been going on? Mid-year update.

I can’t believe we’re already into July, I still feel like it’s March to be completely honest with you. I’ve found writing down my day, and writing about my feelings is a chore, once again. I really need to work on this because blogging is something I really enjoy, but damn me, ya know? Remember how I wrote about it here: What to expect from In The Life Of Faith, 2018. on how I wanted to write more in this year? I’m laughing at myself now because I’ve only written 18 posts since then. I didn’t even do a one-year anniversary post! Blah regrets all around now. Oh well! Now I’ve said it, time to move on.

What’s been going on since the new year started:

If you’ve been reading up or backtracking my posts here are some of my favorite accomplishments I’ve done. One was getting my high school diploma. this is still something I’m very proud of. I’ve actually been debating on schools to go too!

I’ve decided I want to go to school for cultural studies- Asian cultural studies to be exact at my state university. For as long as I could remember I felt this burning passion to work in the mental health field but now? It’s not burning as much. Now that I’m in the medical field things are different and on my friend time, I find that I love spending it learning. I want to learn about the outside world, foreign cultures, and learn languages. I did make a post about learning Japanese, but I can’t seem to find it. (Maybe it’s a draft post, oops!)

I’ve taken more time to be myself and do the things I want to do. I still crochet, I still draw and paint, and currently back into Pokemon Go! I’ve been at it for the last two weeks now, and I’m excited to write about how much it’s helping me. I’ve spent more time in the kitchen as well, making the dishes I’ve always wanted to make. And I’ve been getting out more in general. I’ve been trying to make friends and be happy with myself sociably. It’s different when you’re behind a computer screen, people develop this idea about who and how you are in person. I want to be me, but also what people think they see me as. Oh, and I still love my Netflix and Chill days. 🙂

Currently:

I’ve completed all of my physical classes for phlebotomy, and I’ve moved onto my externship. I’m into week two out of four and I’m not enjoying it at all. I don’t want to say too much, because I’ve just started here and it could get better, however, I don’t like it at all. This is not the place for me and that’s ok! I’m just so proud of myself, that I could realize it all.

I’ve been really into Pokemon Go, it’s been keeping me really active! I’ve been trying to get my 10k steps in a day, but because I can’t have any electronics on me (even a watch) it’s hard for me to keep track while at work.

Time for me has been scarce because I’m working 50 hour weeks right now, but I hope it all dies down once I’m done with my externship.

Current Goals:

  • I want to go back to school in the Spring of 2019 as I mentioned before.
  • I want to lose 10lbs before the holidays.
  • Love myself more.

 

I hope your summer is going great! Thanks for reading!


 

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Time for an update

Lately, I’ve scarcely posted about my mental health and how I personally have been doing vs my accomplishments. I still fee tied to my original idea of helping those struggling with mental health problems and sharing my life. So here we go.

I actually stopped taking my medication. Yup, this is a huge thing for me. Two weeks ago, I noticed that my anxiety dwindled to small things. I no longer felt like I needed medication to help me through my days anymore. Let me explain.

Before medication I was constantly triggered. If someone made a comment about ‘x’ persons cloths or how they acted I would automatically assume they were making those comments towards me, and the person didn’t know how to tell me. When I got food I felt like everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and watch me as I ordered a large sum of fast food. I felt guilty getting more than I should when at my favorite fast food place. I also felt like the people around me were silently judging me.

I was always stressed. Stress is a typical thing in a humans life, and it all depends on how we handle that stress. Stress induced my anxiety. Living my life to a very low standard made me stressful. I hated my life so much it gave me anxiety. This was my major trigger. I hated myself so much it gave me anxiety.

My low self esteem also fueled my anxiety. At one point I hated how “huge” I was. I hated trying to put on my cloths and noticing that they didn’t fit at all. I hated how my arms jiggled, how I have a minor hunched back. Even the fact that I wear glasses and how I don’t look attractive without my glasses. I just hated how I look. And that caused anxiety.

How I actually handled my anxiety though? Well for starters I cried. Scratch that, I sobbed. I sobbed all the time, when I went to sleep, when I woke up, even in the middle of the night I would wake up crying for no reason. I had nightmares, I ate a lot of food to help feel better. I bottled in all of my emotions, I felt trapped by my own throat unable to actually speak my mind. I gave in to negative self talk to the point I thought the negative thoughts were positive self talk. Yeah, you read that right. My body would shake uncontrollably at random times. I sweated profusely, even though at times I felt confident. And the worse one of all, I isolated myself. When I felt like I couldn’t speak, it got so bad that I felt like communicating was a chore. My anxiety turned into depression.

And now? I don’t do nearly as much, if not all of these anymore. Yes my frustrating leads to anxiety sometimes but I’ve learned ways to deal with it. I’ve now learned how to deal with my anxiety. The biggest accomplishment to myself is no longer feeling like a loser. I’m finally making myself into something and it’s a huge weight off of my shoulders. But it’s not the most significant part of my recovery.

The significant part is actually gaining confidence. Being able to talk about my problems, telling people when I’m uncomfortable and learning to not shut myself out. I actually love my body (and hate it sometimes) in a positive way. I don’t give myself negative talks, I actually do the opposite. I feel like myself again. I actually feel like the person I was always meant to be is finally emerging.

Like I said, I’m not cured and I’m still a long bit away but I’m confident enough to not be on medication anymore for the time being. And I feel like more personal growth will eventually take me to where I want to be.

Here are some of the things I do now that helps me out each day:

  • Hygiene, brushing teeth, face, hair, trimming nails, face masks and deep containing my hair. Doing these things daily and weekly makes me feel good, and give me energy. These are all habits of mine now, and it’s like an internal clock. I have to do most of these things before bed or I can’t sleep until I do.
  • Wear makeup or something nice. Looking good on the outside means feeling good on the inside. Wearing makeup really gives me energy because feeling pretty is the best. 🙂
  • Laying out a schedule. I’m not the punctual type person, but if I layout a good foundation of what needs to be done each day, those accomplishments really give me the sense of “I did something today! I’m not lazy!” It also helps me understand how I spend my time. In the beginning, I always wrote about how I felt “trapped” when I wanted to do things with my day. I wasn’t able to make up my mind on what I wanted to do. Scheduling helps with that!
  • Getting out of the house. Most of the time when I leave the house it’s because of school. So I try to make an effort of going on a walk during day light to the mailbox (got to get that vitamin D!) and then a 20 minutes walk at night.
  • Talking about my feelings. This is tricky and I know it. Finding out what works best for you is key. I started this blog and posted all over my Facebook about my recovery. Just knowing that my feelings where out of my head made me feel so much better. If you’re not that type of person, the I suggest a journal, and talking to a close friend or parent about how you’re feeling. I promise, once you “get it out” it’s like a weight is off your shoulders.
  • Make time for yourself. This is very very simple. Take x amount of time out of your day or week and do whatever it is you’ve been putting off. Go see that movie, take yourself out to a restaurant or eat at your favorite fast food joint. Buy that poster or cute planner. Maybe just sit at home and binge a show you’ve been wanting to watch. Or maybe you what to meet up with a friend. Whatever it it, do it for you.

Remember, you are worth it. You are fighting a battle that is difficult but winnable. You will get better. You can do it. Not every day is a bad day, no matter how much you feel like it is. You are worth it.


After hours: insomnia

I can’t tell if this is good or bad insomnia. Good morning I can’t sleep because I want to study and learn things. Or this insomnia being bad because I honestly just can’t sleep. Maybe it’s bad because I’m combining the two together! (I hope not)

My sleeping in general doesn’t have the best track record, but I’m taking major steps in hoping I can actually get to sleep faster and feeling rested. This week I’ve started walking and doing 3-5 minutes cardio exercises. The work out feels amazing, and being overweight has many negative side affects. So I’m hoping that shredding some beef will help with my sleep. It also does make me physical tired to the point I’m ready to sleep on the ground in my workout gear. But it’s been iffy, some nights I sleep without a problem before midnight and others I’m wide awake until 3am regardless of being physically tired.

I’m trying to stop eating after a certain time in the evening as well. It’s said you should eat after 6pm? Or maybe it’s 8pm I’m not sure. I’m trying not to eat after 9, 10 at the latest. Over the last three years I’ve had this huge urge to eat, I’m talking about waking up from a dead sleep, going into the kitchen and make something to eat with my eyes still closed. It’s typically sweets or something that’s in a bag. Or a sandwich!! It’s really funny but god awful. I’m working on drinking as much fluids as I can after 10 to stunt the “bored food craving”. It’s been hard because I really want seconds of dinner or a frozen pizza (really bad) before bed and when I don’t eat it I get all agitated. Who wants to deal with that kind of person???? I know I don’t, and I’m the one doing it!

I’m also trying to stay off my phone for a large sum of time before bed. In case you didn’t know, being on your phone before bed created a ton of stimuli, which keeps the body awake and wanting the urge to stay scrolling on your phone longer. Your brain doesn’t get the proper rest it needs. Same with sleeping with the tv on, I stopped doing that a year ago and that’s significantly helped. Sometimes I do leave the tv on if my anxiety is high and I don’t want to feel alone. The noise calms me down.

Anyways, this is all from week one of doing these small things. I don’t have instant results yet, but I’m confident these will help me in a few weeks. If you have any suggestions let me know!!


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Barely getting by

It’s not what you think, many things aren’t working out the best (like my job) but school? Yeah, I’m barely holding on to my goal of honors.

Today marks week four of classes and it’s so intense now. Five weeks are left and then I’m off to externship for a month! I’m thinking of looking for jobs in Washington or Oregon. My dream states. But anyways, my grades, yup that’s the point here.

Since this is week four, that means I have 4 subjects on my report card. All of which I’ve managed to get an A in. Since the grading scale has increased I have to average a 93% in each subject to maintain my “honors” goal. I came close to sweating bullets though as we finished up a class portfolio and a final.

So, last week we were given tons of work for the week, including many study hours for each day (because everyday we had a quiz and Lordy, Jesus). We were given all week as well to complete this huuuuuuge, massive, four days worth portfolio. And it saved my overall grade for my anatomy & physiology. OHHH BOY.

I got a B+ in my final which gave me a score of 91.3%. For about 2 minutes I debated on how serious I wanted honors, and what I would do if I failed. And then suddenly I knew that it didn’t matter because I did my best and even if I didn’t get honors, it’s not because I got seriously terrible grades. It means I jumped short is all. Like, I’m not getting C’s, I’m getting A’s and B’s. It was good to have that kind of realization, especially in class. I don’t have any competition, I’m just challenging myself!

Needless to say I am back on my high on having honors still!

So far nothing going on this week for class, I’m going to use this free time to relax and have as much me time as possible before I feel like I don’t have any!


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I’ve done it, I got my high school diploma.

And man does it feel great. I don’t feel like a loser anymore and I definitely don’t feel like a failure anymore. And I did it!! I did it.

Getting my high school diploma was the main reason why I wasn’t posting on the blog. I enrolled in March and finished it up May. It was honestly a huge grind but thankfully the course work was exactly the same from when I was in (actual) high school. It also felt good knowing I was “smart” just because I remembered everything. I mean not everything my best subjects were reading and writing, so of course I excelled there.

I was also able to help all the other students in class which really made me feel good. I liked knowing they could come to me with questions and if I didn’t know I would help them find it. Math was fun because I took (triage) math classes, which meant that I was taught algebra 1 literally, all throughout high school. I did take a geometry class but I’m not interested in it at all like I was algebra.

If you are reading this, and you don’t have your GED or high school diploma and you’re wanting to get one- I really recommend looking into Penn Foster High School.

They are nationally accredited, (and as you can see from my diploma below, it states it there too.) The school is not free, however this is honestly the best online schooling I’ve ever done. There are no railroads, no “daily” check in requirements, I mean, they really do put in the emphases of it being on your own time. You set a goal of when you want to graduate and you work off of that goal. It’s amazing, no pressure, and all at your down pace (and discipline). It’s an amazing program and encourage everyone to at least check out their website.

My story with Penn Foster started with a college contacting me for enrollment. And I got tired of them always calling and emailing me, so I was 100% transparent. I told them I had no required credentials to enroll. The enrollment advisor told me about their high school program! They partnered up with Penn Foster, and helped dozen of students get their diploma and immediately enrolled them into college. I’ve never seen so many people who came in embarrassed, and afraid to building confidence and encouraging others that they know.

Because of Penn Foster I’m not enrolled into classes for phlebotomy and I’ll be expected to graduate in August.

From just this year alone, I’ve achieved two of my goals which was:

– get my GED

– Enroll in college.

I’ve done better and achieved my diploma and I’ve enrolled in college.

I feel like a kid again. I’m happy, adventurous, curious, disciplined, committed just like I felt back in high school. I am scared, stressed, anxious at the same time but those are honestly minor compared to how happy I am.

It’s now been a whole month since I’ve started this high school program and it doesn’t even feel like it’s been a month! I have two more weeks left, three tops depending on how well I do getting the last of these classes out of the way and then I’ll be into the phlebotomy program in May! I can’t believe this time has passed I feel like I’ve been at this for years, it’s so exhausting.

Overall since I’ve started school I’ve been back into my crappy ways of not sleeping well (or enough) and playing video games instead. And ya know like I said it’s crappy. A good bit ago, about 1 year ago (?) I dropped video games. I knew it was toxic, playing games because I didn’t have any balance, taking time off the gaming to focus on what needs to be done. Like right now, I’ve been back and forth between my phone (because of this kingdom hearts app I’ve been playing) and typing this out. It’s actually really exhausting having to multitask like this. Like, I can’t make up my mind on what to “really” give all my focus and attention too. I even paused the tv because I was just extremely distracted by everything! Now I’m annoying myself.

Besides from the typical distraction and attention problems I’ve always had, I’ve been terrible when it comes to my meds. I’m going days without taking them, about 3-4 days at a time. When I start to feel sick, like light-headed or faint like that when I’ll take them. I think it’s some placebo effect because once I take them I feel much better. I do know that my medication is dangerous and I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing but????? I can’t explain it. I can’t explain my thought process and how I’m like “I can get off these now. I know I’m able to handle life.” But then suddenly I’m freaking out and I just can’t live without these pills. There was a moment in my recovery time that I felt like I was always going to be on medication- I accepted it actually. I was perfectly ok with having to take something to make sure I could actually handle my day without freaking out, overreacting, crying, or having some strong and sensitive emotions. I was ok with that. So now? Now I don’t know.

I didn’t go to my psychiatry appointment because I didn’t know what time it was at AND!!!!!!!!!! No one answered or called me back when I tried to get the time. It was the most frustrating thing I’ve ever had to do because (curse words) no one was able to help me. I had to wait a month just to get an appointment and yes, I forgot, but no one called or emailed me as a reminder? I mean it was a whole month in ADVANCE! That’s a long time!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost track of my days, it’s like this unspoken thing when having a mental illness. You never know your days! I’m just very frustrated and disappointed on what happened, and I haven’t even tried to schedule another appointment. I really should so I can stop seeing my PCP but we will see I guess. I feel like I’ve disappointed her now too because last time I saw her was when I was in for refills and I let her know I was going to see some professionals about it. HA! Jokes on me right?

I haven’t scheduled a therapy visit either. I’m unable to afford the co-pay which really bums me out too. I don’t want to lose out on all of the work I put into everything and I don’t want to justify “video games” as therapy. I want to go back into that office and sit in that chair and give her all of my homework that she asked me the last time we met, almost a month ago. The assignment was such an eye-opener for me, and I think what helped the most was me actually recording it all. I just want to analyze it all with her.


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Tuesday Blues’

I woke up with mild anxiety this morning. I think it has to do with my phone blowing up and not getting enough sleep last night. It was about 3am that I’m aware of before I was even able to sleep. And then suddenly 5 hours later the phone is ringing and buzzing and me silencing them, so voicemails and more pings. God it was annoying. I didn’t put on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode on in case of an actual important phone call.

The anxiety stayed, however. And it really etched into my day as it progressed. I felt as my stomach just tightened up and got heavy. Like this toxic dense piece of foreign material just wouldn’t go away. This kind of anxiety was more second hand anxiety though. I was trying to make someone feel better but it wasn’t working so I kept the anxiety for the both of us. I can manage it loads better than before, so I was trying to do what I could to at least help said person feel better. It didn’t work though.

I didn’t go to school today because of it, I wasn’t ready to go on and do things in the world. I’ve been hanging huge difficulties focusing in class but that’s just a health issue. The florescent lights on top of a bright computer screen monitor that cannot be adjusted because of admin settings makes me eyes strung out, which then bothers the rest of my body. Easy class, difficult sit time.

Today as whole was pretty weird. I was in this phase were I wanted to work but I was held back by procrastination. Or maybe laziness disguised as procrastination. I decided to study my Japanese first today before moving on to the school studies. I’ve been putting it off and I just couldn’t do that anymore. It took me about four + hours to just get a few phrases honestly. I was mostly shuffling back and forth from my notes because nothing made sense to me. (I put off my studies for too long!!) I managed to please myself enough to finally take a break to play video games.

( My desk as I attempted to study )

I’ve found it easier to focus on playing video games. Actually wait, let me start at the beginning. Video games was my go to happy place. It gave me the skill of invisibility as I would drop reality and lavish myself in the world of fantasy. I literally found myself unable to function for awhile and video games just gave me a sense of security. Once I realized that was literally unhealthy and I wanted to do things with myself I stopped all together. Playing the occasional iPhone games when I wanted to pass time, or if I found myself bored. Which is a huge leap considering I breath, and bled video games. Anyways, long story short (LOL) I wasn’t able to stay focused on videos games after that. I wanted to do other things while playing so I was constantly distracted, which made myself feel worse. But now that I know the difference, and now that I know how to manage I feel like I can play them as a reward! So that’s what I did. For like, two-three hours just smashing away on my 3DS. It was nice.

Now here I am in bed unable to sleep for god knows what reason at 1:14am. Anxiety is gone but my brain doesn’t want to shut off.

Crap.


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