In the life of faith

Here I am once again just not doing the things I said I would. Apologies mean nothing now if you ask me.

Honestly, I’m in a spot. I’m in this spot and I know how to get out of it but it’s going to take some time and I feel as though I don’t have that time. How do I get time? I mean, I don’t want like hyper-speed. I just want to have everything I need right here right now so I can move on from this spot, ya know?

My relationship had never been better and I’m honestly so happy that we’re finally coming together as one. The situation we’re in had so much anxiety that it affects all other parts of my life AND day. I don’t want to go home, I want to cry all day long from the stress and anxiety, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone. And this all happened a little more than a month ago but I’ve realized that certain things I just can’t control. I’ve also realized that regardless of what is happening to me, there are many other things I can control, so I should move on and focus on those instead. It’s been a huge motivator for me. I’ve always been an independent person but it’s come to the point that I’m allowed- no, I deserve to be selfish. I will never let family influence me, control me, dictate or let their opinions hurt me ever again. And I mean it this time because I know how to handle these situations. This is honestly the best breakthrough I’ve had. Maybe this is more of an epiphany? Level of awareness? I don’t know but I feel more in control now than I ever have.

School is still going great! I just love it so much. I’ve been better on trying to fit in my Japanese during the week because it’s still a language I want to learn, and you darn right I worked very hard just to learn what I know now. I hope to one-day tour Japan and have some sort of school affair with them! (Living/working there is a challenge)

With that said I’m thinking maybe I should find some other part-time job? Because I’ve lost close to 20 hours a week and I can’t afford that. It’s in the air and we shall see, but it’s a thought I had while taking a shower. My “move out list” is gathering dust because I haven’t bought one item. I’m going to move out and having nothing to my name! (Laughing emoji)

Overall? Overall I’m ok. I’ve been more grateful for another day of living vs the things that keep me alive lately. I’ve been selfless also, which is a huge step for me because I was always selfish before. I felt like every day was the end of the world and I had to keep everything for myself. Not anymore. 🙂

My most common habits are etched into my bones. I wash my face, floss, and brush my teeth every day now that it’s literally impossible for me to do anything else until those are done. My teeth are so healthy! And washing my face is just relaxing, helps to calm me down or wake me up! Now I have to try and find other things as their replacements because I don’t even write about those anymore.

This months bullet journal had more around school and less about my personal life. Which is ok, I guess. I never noticed until I started to write this out, I do have other ways to write about my days but I never do.

Well, here is to the new week. Sunday is my favorite day!


 

Etsy|Facebook Mental Health Support Group|Twitter|Instagram|YouTube|

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There is no backstage crew behind closed curtains.

I find myself at a loss for words as I stand here at my mother’s kitchen island and write this out. I’m just baffled, tongue-tied and all-around confused at last weeks events. Like, I just want to go “this was the worse week ever!!!!” but it wasn’t the worse week it was just a difficult week.

I’ve talked about how I work two jobs and so far everything is going great, or was, going great until this past week. (Last Saturday to be exact) My primary job is short-handed and between 5 other people and I, rotate shifts each day. No one person has the same day off and they are spread out heavily throughout the week. Which that alone is very stressful and I don’t want to be that person that goes “I work two jobs I would love just one day off” so I keep my mouth shut and just bite the bullet. My work schedules stack on one another thankfully so when I have a day off it’s from both jobs. But that’s beside the point here, I don’t complain at either jobs and I come into work happy and ready to get things done.


 

I started drafting this yesterday after work because I wanted to post something. I knew I had to share something yet I find myself all over the place. Like, I’ve found myself with my blog where I want to post for views but I’ve never been that way before. I want to post things in hope someone will find it useful? Yet all the other blogs I read, comment, interact with and overall adore? They don’t do that. They write about their day, goals, what happened and more and have no problem what so ever. And that’s why I adore them so much, yet here I am struggling to be perfect when I’m not perfect.

I’ve been keeping myself up for over the last two weeks. It’s been nonstop working and I can’t find a moment for myself and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. All I know is that I want about 4-6 days off to myself to whatever it is I want. Whether that’s to sleep and eat all those days, read, binge watch tv, crochet, paint or whatever!! It is!!! I want that time to myself. I’m tired now. So very tired and I don’t want to do much of anything right now. My work is nothing, it’s temporary to make myself feel good when I’m ready to go out and shop for things I don’t fucking need. I want to give back and I am that makes me feel great also but at the end of the day??? I’m left with only me and my hard stern feelings at night. My relationship is a joke, my library books are overdue, my toenails need to be done I just want endless iced coffee, and I just want to be alone.

I’ve realized that many people come to me for help and I never have a me. I don’t have another me to go too and ask for help when I need it because no one will tell me the things I need to hear. No one will tell me to my face what’s going on and what would be the healthy way to handle situations or tell me to take my meds and remind me to drink water… at the end of the day it’s just me. Me struggling with my own problems and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Mental illness feels like; random panic attacks. 

If you asked me about four years ago, why I would suddenly burst into tears or why I was tearing up, or WHY I was acting so “needy”. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I would just say “I’m tired” or “I don’t feel good”. Emotions are just a hair ball, ya know. You eat them all up until it gets struck in your throat or tummy and then barf it all up. Yeah, I said it. 

Today started out normal. I had trouble staying asleep last night but I didn’t let it affect my day. Instead I just woke up and went to work with my banana and with the mindset of taking the day as it came. About two hours into my 9 hour workday I was going down the daily chore list. It’s the same one I do every morning and the same one I forget to do. As I’m washing the windows peacefully, literally minding my own business. Not thinking of anything in particular my mind instantly goes blank. The type of blank I would compare to your television going static on you before returning back to live. And when I came live… it was just so instant. So intense it rocked me to my eye sockets. I mean, I don’t know how else to describe it. 

My mind plundered into my relationship. Ripping it apart, making assumptions and wanting to make me a victim of a victimless crime. My mind started to overthink and wrote a tell tale series on how my relationship was a joke and how my boyfriend didn’t love me. TOTALLY mind numbing. I couldn’t move and I felt that intense pressure in my face as it swelled into tears. I knew the path I was venturing on if I continued to feed into these thoughts. However, the only way I knew how to calm them was to just vent it out quickly to my boyfriend. 

“Hey I was overthinking and I’m about to have a panic attack. Are we ok?” 

“Sure as shit we are. 😎” 

I laughed so hard at his response. It took me over an hour (as I bobbed and weeved to the front of house to the back where my phone was) to get some reassurance on those irrational thoughts. I felt better in the end, and I’m overjoyed at how my boyfriend and I handled it. 

I learned today that I can’t bottle up my thoughts and shove them somewhere unseen. My mind will race until it’s a 12 book series. And at that point I’m so moody and all over the place I snap and cry at everything. Literally over spilt milk. And yes, I’ve done it a few times.  

Today was a healing day. I caught my panic attack in time, and I learned how to move on from it. This is really one for my real books. 🙂 

#MotivationalMonday, The Bigger Picture. 

I don’t know how to explain how I feel right now. It’s not bad, that I can say for sure. I think it’s content? At ease. Relearning emotions has been a challenge for me. What I use to feel when I was significantly (emotionally) sensitive I was in constant flight mode. I was always in a panic and crying. I never gave myself a moment to evaluate my feelings and the situation that gave me said feelings. I feel as though this is something we ALL don’t ever think twice about. 

For example, you’re at school or work. And a situation came up. Let’s say that you were given a task you had to complete in a short time frame on top of your daily tasks. How would you feel? Give yourself a minute and relive a memory that comes to mind. What did you do? How did you react? Did you tell your friends and coworkers how it “made you mad” or did you keep quiet and have a stressful day? Did you pat yourself on he back after completing the task? Or did you work yourself up to where you constantly sighed, desperate to go home. Think about it. Because I garentee you that in that moment you did one of the above. 

A small break could have avoided all sense of irritability. All that pent up anger of the day and the aggressive need to be vocal about how “this day sucks”. I get it. We’ve all been there. And it’s natural to feel this way. 

We are all so quick to react to our emotions and the situation that we never think long term. That moment will pass, and you probably won’t have to think about it ever again. For tomorrow is a new day. I know that’s cliche, and previously I did state that I hated it. However, I understand it now. And it means so much to me. 

If you ever find yourself in a situation of unknown, stress, anger, annoyance, confusion or any other type of emotion you think this can benefit- take it. I promise it can help. 

Take a minute and think about the situation
This task is temporary. As soon as you finish it’s over with. Look at the task with a clear mind. Ask yourself “what are my strengths and weaknesses?” What skill(s) do you have that can complete the task? What skill(s) can you learn from it? Challenge yourself. Keep the mindset clear and take it all in. 

Speak up. 

Feedback is a tough subject because we see ourselves how we want to see ourselves. Criticism is something no one typically likes to hear. And it’s healthy to just stay yourself. Never change for others. However, you shouldn’t take things personally in the workplace or school. Take advantage of the feedback. See how you can improve to seek higher opportunities. Don’t think of feedback as something negative. It’s good to get an idea of how others see you. Maybe you do want to change or work on something. That’s ok too. 

Breath. 

Forced deep breathing is a calming mechanism. Just doing 5 deep breaths, where you count to 3 on the intake, and 6 on the out breath can clear your mind. Do this as many times as you need too. We subconsciously do this when we’re preparing ourselves for something. Like when you’re in a debate- you take a sharp breath in. And it’s clearly audible that’s good. 🙂 

Look at the bigger picture throughout your day. Smile, be thankful, and be proud of yourself. Only you can limit yourself, and only you can make you happy. 

– xx, Faith

The best self care day yet. 

The more that time goes on the more I understand that I’m ready for anything. I’m ready to defend, I’m ready to advocate, and I’m ready to teach others about the importance of mental health. And I was able to do that for the first time in public while fulfilling a phone upgrade. 

Now before I go on to what happened I just wanted to say that the whole two hours I spent in this store was amazing. We talked about some personal events, college, goals and how we like to treat people. We talked about anime and he even brought over so of his coworkers! It was one of the best experiences for my book. 

The dude that had assisted me was very professional and sweet at the same time. He asked me what I would be doing with my phone. And I replied with that I had a blog, and a YouTube channel that I would be focusing on primarily. He was very interested to know what it was that I worked in. I told him that I’m working with *waves hand* this blog. And how I want to learn myself more and teach others, and help them any way I can through those two platforms. 

He looked me in the eye and said “I’m so happy for you. Thank you for doing what you do, and I’m glad to see you’re still here with us.” At first I was confused. Why would he say that? As those few seconds passed for me to respond it hit me. This person associated mental health and suicide as one thing. Which, you probably already guessed it- but I told him he was all wrong about it. 

I went on about my life story, and what happened to me this year. What I went through was difficult. However, I only had suicidal thoughts. And because of my research I knew the signs. I knew how to help myself and I knew what I needed to do if it came to it. Thankfully it never happened. Those 6 days made me thankful- but also eye opening. Because that’s more then likely the exact whispers people hear when they contemplate dying by suicide. I understood it. Which is why I  pursued my TWLOHA suicide prevention kit so I could inform and teach others and support them the best to my abilities. 

I had to clear it all up for him. No, I didn’t want to die. No, I wasn’t someone that was limited resources and information.  Yes I have some mental disorders. No they do not define me. And no, mental health and suicide aren’t the same. They are neighbors that don’t ever speak to each other at first. Until suddenly there is a knock at the door boom. Instantly best friends. At least this is what I’ve also thought about it. I believe people can be suicidal without a mental illness or disorder. I’ve never once thought “oh they are depressed? I wonder if they ever thought about dying by suicide to nhelp d their suffering. “ not once. Although in that moment of silence, I never once thought he said it in a negative way. He was expressing his only knowledge of the subjects. 

The best part was he was very interested. It made me very happy to see someone so passionately, genuinely interested. It was a learning moment for not only him, but myself included. 

I was sad to leave because I felt like I had a friendship with this person (and the friend he brought in to talk about anime). Writing about it now gives me the urge to go back just to say hi. 

I ended my day with a refreshing hair cut. A trip to the mall where I got some work shoes and some new jewelry for my piercings. I was in high spirits all day. 🙂 

October 10, World Mental Health Day. 

October 10th is known as the “World (Wide) Mental Health Day”. 

Today is another special day to recongnize the important of someone’s life and progress through their mental health. Right now it’s trending all over twitter. However, I wanted to take my own moment and talk (more) about it. 

As you can see I am a mental health blog. I live with generalized anxiety disorder, and major depression disorder. I was diagnosed by a physician in the beginning of my recovery of June 2017. A few weeks after that I began therapy to help understand myself more and my habits. I was again diagnosed the same disorders. I take medication, and try every day to keep going. Worse case senario keep breathing

I always thought that I could handle my anxiety alone. Anxiety is also one of the most commonly “self diagnosed” disorders. 

My personality has changed in my twenties. Before I was very energetic, easy to break, cares too much, and always wanted to speak up for those who were too scared. I was described as quirky, outgoing, enthusiastic, caring, special, loveable, bubbly and down to earth. I repeat these to others, but I don’t feel the value in those words. 

Today on this day, sadly, I feel like another person involuntarily brought into this world to live an unmeaningful life and die. I know that’s not the point, but at the same time it is. 

Mental illness doesn’t pick and choose. It’s does not discriminate and will dictate your life at any moment. I want people to know that it’s OK to wake up some mornings and feel like you can’t do today. I want people to understand that when lunch time comes around and you’re counting pennies and get stressed that it’s ok. I want people to know that when you get nerves in your stomach like a punch in the gut that happens more then once a day is NOT normal, but it’s also ok. Because there are others out there feeling those similar feelings. It won’t be the same scenario but trust me when I say that they feel those feelings. 

I don’t want someone- actually I’m sick of hearing it. I don’t want to ever hear again how someone should “move on” and “get over it” when you’re upset, angry or frustrated at a situation. I’m tired of hearing “act like an adult” when your sobbing over your alarm and you feel as though your world has ended. Goddamn that person that say it’s all ok your head. We know it. 

It’s hard, and your damn right we’re not suppost to live this way. But we choose to move on because we want to live. We want to see us get out of this snail shell and scream at the top of our lungs “I FUCKING DID IT!” 

Today is another special day provided by you for you. To reach out and seek help, Because you don’t want to be alone anymore. To not feel trapped in your own mind. To reach that point of triumph- that I fucking did it. 

Stand up for yourself and others.

I’m happy I was able to finish up my Suicide Prevention posts before September ended. It meant so much to be, due to the stigma surrounding it. I’m trying very hard to educate those about mental health and how you can help others.

I feel uncomfortable talking about this because it’s work related and I never rant about work stuff. However, I feel strongly about it so I have to push past this. I work with a very young co-worker, who was talking ill of someone that he used to work with. I’ve never been on to jump on gossip and I actually hate most of it. I’ve been curious to some peoples lives but never in that sort of manner. I typically change subjects or just stay silent as they vent. I’ve learned this year that it’s just a waste to have an opinion on someone else’s life that you’re NOT involved in.

Moving on, he spoke about how she would have breakdowns at work. She would burst into tears, walk away to the back room when a rush of people flooded the small space of the front of house. I instantly wanted to defend her to this person. I knew nothing of her life and I’ve never been one to judge. I felt heated, almost to the point of sweating as he continued on about her “poor performance”. I can’t remember specifically what he said, but it was around the lines of “she had some mental issues” at which point I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I’ve never been so quick to square my shoulders and hold my head up high as I spoke passionately about a subject. But I did it in that moment with a smile on my face.

“I’m someone with mental issues, and I can relate 100% to where she was coming from- even though you NOR I knew her life. I’m also someone that takes medication for my mental illnesses.”

The silence was music to my ears. I didn’t want to take it any further, considering we were on the clock and he was just being vocal to pass the time. However, he didn’t say anything for quite awhile and I was very relieved. I wanted to preach to this child. I wanted him to understand- IF ANYTHING – hear me out.

We are not suppost to live like this. We’re not suppost to wake up every day and slave for 8 hours or more to make a living. We’re not suppost to struggle throughout our WHOLE lives, fighting with ourselves and one another. We were never meant to become so strung out on stress that it makes us choose irrational choices words and actions alike. Somewhere over the last 200 years+ I feel as though we lost so much value in ourselves and just set up these unrealistic standards. We drove ourselves mad, and that’s not ok. We’ve adapted into a society that requires blunt hardship to just survive. And it’s ugly.

People think twice when you say “I need a day” because what would you “need a day” for? We work our bodies tirelessly and out minds into oblivion but everyone will not bat an eye if you mention that. It’s ugly.

I’ve learned the value of life and time recently. I’ve learned that it’s ok to struggle and you can take as long as you need. Wife, sister, parent, brother, husband, friend, stranger and more. Whoever you are, it’s ok. Trust me. Many people never talk about it which is why there is a stigma around it all. And you know what? I accept that. I can move past it all and start over with getting far away from my own uncomfortableness and educate those in need.

Like I said I never got to really preach but it was enough to make him think about it. (I hope) I’ve voiced my mental breakdown and my time of need for assistance like it was nothing. I’ve voiced how I take medication and how it has terrible side effects but I can’t go back. I WON’T go back to that person. I can’t live my life constantly second guessing myself. Unable to make choices and stressing myself out on every insignificant detail. Criticizing my own body and mind. In an endless lope of physical pain from my anxiety. The overeating to make myself feel better. My racing thoughts keeping me up into the late night, constantly restless. I just can’t handle that type of life anymore. And I want people to see that.

Even if it’s just a small comment about me having to take medication.

The header was found via google. All credit to the artist.


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