Lately, I’ve scarcely posted about my mental health and how I personally have been doing vs my accomplishments. I still fee tied to my original idea of helping those struggling with mental health problems and sharing my life. So here we go.
I actually stopped taking my medication. Yup, this is a huge thing for me. Two weeks ago, I noticed that my anxiety dwindled to small things. I no longer felt like I needed medication to help me through my days anymore. Let me explain.
Before medication I was constantly triggered. If someone made a comment about ‘x’ persons cloths or how they acted I would automatically assume they were making those comments towards me, and the person didn’t know how to tell me. When I got food I felt like everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and watch me as I ordered a large sum of fast food. I felt guilty getting more than I should when at my favorite fast food place. I also felt like the people around me were silently judging me.
I was always stressed. Stress is a typical thing in a humans life, and it all depends on how we handle that stress. Stress induced my anxiety. Living my life to a very low standard made me stressful. I hated my life so much it gave me anxiety. This was my major trigger. I hated myself so much it gave me anxiety.
My low self esteem also fueled my anxiety. At one point I hated how “huge” I was. I hated trying to put on my cloths and noticing that they didn’t fit at all. I hated how my arms jiggled, how I have a minor hunched back. Even the fact that I wear glasses and how I don’t look attractive without my glasses. I just hated how I look. And that caused anxiety.
How I actually handled my anxiety though? Well for starters I cried. Scratch that, I sobbed. I sobbed all the time, when I went to sleep, when I woke up, even in the middle of the night I would wake up crying for no reason. I had nightmares, I ate a lot of food to help feel better. I bottled in all of my emotions, I felt trapped by my own throat unable to actually speak my mind. I gave in to negative self talk to the point I thought the negative thoughts were positive self talk. Yeah, you read that right. My body would shake uncontrollably at random times. I sweated profusely, even though at times I felt confident. And the worse one of all, I isolated myself. When I felt like I couldn’t speak, it got so bad that I felt like communicating was a chore. My anxiety turned into depression.
And now? I don’t do nearly as much, if not all of these anymore. Yes my frustrating leads to anxiety sometimes but I’ve learned ways to deal with it. I’ve now learned how to deal with my anxiety. The biggest accomplishment to myself is no longer feeling like a loser. I’m finally making myself into something and it’s a huge weight off of my shoulders. But it’s not the most significant part of my recovery.
The significant part is actually gaining confidence. Being able to talk about my problems, telling people when I’m uncomfortable and learning to not shut myself out. I actually love my body (and hate it sometimes) in a positive way. I don’t give myself negative talks, I actually do the opposite. I feel like myself again. I actually feel like the person I was always meant to be is finally emerging.
Like I said, I’m not cured and I’m still a long bit away but I’m confident enough to not be on medication anymore for the time being. And I feel like more personal growth will eventually take me to where I want to be.
Here are some of the things I do now that helps me out each day:
- Hygiene, brushing teeth, face, hair, trimming nails, face masks and deep containing my hair. Doing these things daily and weekly makes me feel good, and give me energy. These are all habits of mine now, and it’s like an internal clock. I have to do most of these things before bed or I can’t sleep until I do.
- Wear makeup or something nice. Looking good on the outside means feeling good on the inside. Wearing makeup really gives me energy because feeling pretty is the best. 🙂
- Laying out a schedule. I’m not the punctual type person, but if I layout a good foundation of what needs to be done each day, those accomplishments really give me the sense of “I did something today! I’m not lazy!” It also helps me understand how I spend my time. In the beginning, I always wrote about how I felt “trapped” when I wanted to do things with my day. I wasn’t able to make up my mind on what I wanted to do. Scheduling helps with that!
- Getting out of the house. Most of the time when I leave the house it’s because of school. So I try to make an effort of going on a walk during day light to the mailbox (got to get that vitamin D!) and then a 20 minutes walk at night.
- Talking about my feelings. This is tricky and I know it. Finding out what works best for you is key. I started this blog and posted all over my Facebook about my recovery. Just knowing that my feelings where out of my head made me feel so much better. If you’re not that type of person, the I suggest a journal, and talking to a close friend or parent about how you’re feeling. I promise, once you “get it out” it’s like a weight is off your shoulders.
- Make time for yourself. This is very very simple. Take x amount of time out of your day or week and do whatever it is you’ve been putting off. Go see that movie, take yourself out to a restaurant or eat at your favorite fast food joint. Buy that poster or cute planner. Maybe just sit at home and binge a show you’ve been wanting to watch. Or maybe you what to meet up with a friend. Whatever it it, do it for you.
Remember, you are worth it. You are fighting a battle that is difficult but winnable. You will get better. You can do it. Not every day is a bad day, no matter how much you feel like it is. You are worth it.