Week seven; Good job, you played yourself.

I’m very late on this post, so I apologize in advanced. If you’ve been following me for this long thank you. New readers welcome! I visit a therapist once a week and these are my weekly write ups. My notes and experiences with a therapist. However I’m late on this post, as I previously said. This should have been done last week. Better late then never though!

As I’ve ranted before last week was my first week back at work. Which caused me to be all over the place. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go out and be an “adult”. I just wanted to sit at home as I am now, and write. Writing helps me understand myself better and I love it. Doing research and looking out into the internet.. I’m learning so much. And I feel like it’s being taken away. I just want to stay in lalaland.

Recap said and done now, this is exactly how this sess went. Happy house was excited to hear about my first week back, and I was happy to talk about it also. However I had this ugly burning sensation sitting in that familiar couch cushion. It tingled in my spine as I sunk deeper into the safety of the room. And as he started asking me how the week was, that burning sensation traveled into my chest. What I hate most about these sessions is that I can never forget the physical pain. We can talk and talk and talk and never remember anything spoken. However the feelings and physical pain… never leaves.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I released all my fears and how I knew I was going to end up quitting. I’ve gone through this many times and I knew the triggers. I was grateful for an easy start but then it got to wild, to quick. And I hated that. I felt different. I felt like everyone knew what happened to me and that my breakdown was just “work related” when it wasn’t. I felt like everyone was whispering about me and laughing behind my back as I did my job. Like I was always being watched. Even thought I tried to breath, it’s like I forgot everything that I was practicing for (my guided meditation practices). And my mind knows how to pull strings. Thinking that everyone knew my struggles and how I couldn’t remember my breathing, they all silently made fun of me more. And I didn’t want that. So on Tuesday as an opportunity presented itself- I dove in. I let everyone know that I wasn’t going to be dealing with any nonsense and things will be going my way. No questions asked. Although, as soon as I spoke it out loud I didn’t feel anything good. I felt no positive, triumphant, or warm burst of energy. I felt lifeless, and full of air. Which made me feel exhausted. And as I’m sitting there on the verge of tears yet again, telling him all of these fears I notice he takes a breath.

He’s telling me some information about how he thinks yoga could help me. I am a person whose whole mood can change if I don’t sleep enough and he’s noticed this. He says that this class is kinda expensive but it could possibly work for me. The instructor is a woman who not only teaches yoga, but she teaches meditation and teaches other yoga instructors. I was interested. However she’s based 30 minutes away from me, and I have terrible commitment issues. Especially if they are more then 10 minutes away. I’ve always been that way. I appreciated the info non the less and I hope to try it out. I’ll have her contact info at this weeks (eight) session.

Going back to the sleep topic, he also believes that I need to focus more on a nightly routine. Once again I’ve never been “timely” organized as an adult. So this is more of a challenge then I thought it would be. I’m too focused on finishing up whatever task I’m doing before bed, that when I’m past bedtime I don’t even think about spending that 15-20 minutes to help me rest easy. I jump right into bed and then think about how I didn’t do something so simple as my nightly routine. I beat myself up over it and then it causes me to toss and turn and hate myself. However I can’t find myself getting out of bed to do it. I’m also not a morning person. I can’t stand waking up bright and early just to “do” things in the day. I’m conflicted here because I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I enjoy waking up with a clear head thinking “cool, I have nothing holding me back today”. No immediate tasks need my attention. And I feel free to actually wake up and do whatever it is I want to do. Oops, I’m getting off topic. Anyways, I don’t do well with waking up early and I can’t stick to my routines.

So his only advice was for me to try and find some routines that work for me, and that I needed to find things that could help me sleep. I have nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up almost a dozen times a night and I don’t get any rest anymore. So it affects me throughout the day. Right now as I’m writing this, I’m exhausted because once again I didn’t sleep. And once again, I didn’t go to work because I didn’t want to have a bad day, from not getting a good nights sleep. I’m spoon feeding myself negativity at this point. I’m not trying. I’m not giving myself a shot to just work through it. Because I’ve already made up my mind. As I said in the beginning. I don’t want to work anymore. And I can’t help myself here.

Our session was cut short in my opinion. I was the last client of the day, so we cut out 10 minutes early so he could go home. And I get it, I’ve done it before. I was just so heart broken. I wanted to just stay on the couch and lay down in hopes that I could find happiness. But before we said good bye, I had asked him why.

“Why can’t I be normal and go to work and take care of responsibilities like everyone else? Why am I so different? “

He didn’t even twitch or breath. He just stared at me.

“It’s ok to feel that way.”

I started crying again as I walked out the door. That soft but dense latch from him locking the door rung in my ears.

Routine, learn to wake up, and it’s ok. I’m throwing my hands in the air.

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Love the skin you’re in; TAG!

This is a great post for me to start on for Saturday I think! Browsing through my feed I noticed the beautiful Sophie Harris had done this “body positivity” and I’m all about that. Since I’ve been self conscious my whole life, being comfortable in my own skins means more to me then I can word. And in reference to Sophie’s blog, looks like this beauty Liliana is who started it all! Thank you for doing this!

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TAG RULES:

  • Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog in your post
  • Display the “love the skin you’re in” image.
  • Be truthful when answering the questions and don’t judge what other people have answered in their posts.
  • If you want to add any questions to this tag related to body positivity feel free to.
  • Try to nominate as many people as you can, if not everyone.

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QUESTIONS:

1. One feature you love about yourself?
One of my features that I love about me are my eyes. I adore them for the colors that they change, and I truly believe that they say when “the eyes are the window to the soul”. They are the first thing we look at, at one another. And I get compliments all the time about my eyes. I love them!

2. One feature you wish/wished you could change that you are trying to accept or have accepted?
If I was asked this before, say 3 months ago I would have told you my weight. Maybe I still think this way- since I am very aware of it. I wish I didn’t gain fat in my face, and I wish I didn’t gain fat in my midsection. I’ve been learning to love it though through clothing and accessories. AND a bathing suit. ❤

3. Have you ever thought of getting surgery to change you imperfections?
I’ve thought about enhancing my lips.. I want them to be full and plump. However I’ve never thought about changing anything else on my body. Maybe a breast lift but that was literally for a conversation and I never thought about it since. (I’ve accepted how big and well my breasts are even though they are taking my back out)

4. One of your main role models for body positivity?
I personally have no researched anyone. I know who Tess Holiday is.. but only from a facebook post. (So I really don’t know her tbh) I’ve been going all on my own about this. It’s best to be accepting and loving of your body.

5. Has a family member or friend ever put you down about your physical appearance? If so what for?
Yes, absolutely. We joke around and are really playful with one another in my household. So being called fat was a big thing for us (we are all overweight) and we used it as a grenade when we were angry or fighting. I was always singled out for my glasses as well, since I’m blind… they were always a inch thick. And it magnified my face INTENSELY and it still does. And my grandmother was big about singling out when we lost or gained weight. Ahhh, love it.

6. Something you love about your fashion sense or style?
This is something I’m still working on. However I love bright pastel girly colors, but I also love the basic fashion you see in magazines. Anyways, whatever I see I try and make it work with what I have. I’m not a fashionista in anyway. I just love cloths that I can find that fit me.

7. Why is your body a great place to be?
My body is a great place to be because it IS my temple. I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs (not illegal ones anyways) and over the last two months I’ve realized how much my body means to me. I cherish her more, and I notice all the small things now. With meditation and self care treatments.. I’ve just learned to love her. And me.

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I’m the one with the black rimmed glasses on the far left. My name is Faith and I love my body. 🙂

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@afracturedfaith!

@Brenana!

@feliefelspages!

@Neuro Rebel!

 

Depression: Turns out I can’t do it.

Once again, this week was my first week back to work. And in the beginning it was going well. I felt good the first day- I was able to ease in without having to deal with people. Just follow a to-do list and have it done before I leave. Boom, had it done. Day two is fuzzy to me now. I was frustrated that I was getting a lot of returns on jobs and how they were done wrong. So I spoke about it to my boss. Which is what inspired my last post ( Work place gossip; stand up for yourself. ) and as you can see I felt.. iffy. And then Wednesday came along and I left it. I was exhausted and didn’t want to go in, but I did it anyways. I went in and tried to keep it as healthy as I could. Not positive, because that would have been TOO much to handle, so I just worked on being as “good” as I could be. And it didn’t work out.

I didn’t take the time to take my breaks for my meditation, I didn’t take time to even tend to myself. And I see that now. However at that time I didn’t. I’m trying not to judge myself and tear myself down.. but it’s so hard. It’s so difficult not too. So I did what I knew best, I called out. I didn’t show up to work on Thursday OR today. (Friday) And.. sadly enough I felt great not going. I felt great not going. I visited the happy house in Wednesday too, and we talked about some stuff that I can kinda see now. However that’s for this weeks happy house post. So yesterday- I went crazy. I was so FULL of great energy so I researched and updated my about me page ( About In the life of Faith ) I worked on my next YouTube video I did some edits, I mean I DID things! Things I wanted to do. I love love love love LOVE that feeling. THIS feeling! Feeling of freedom.. feeling of being open to do what I want.. but saying that makes me feel selfish. I’m clearly in lala land, but I don’t want to leave. This is my happy place- this is my bubble. Please don’t make me leave.

I don’t have regrets and I want to move forward. But I can’t see how. How can I still be me and make a living without killing myself.

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p.s i love this type of scenery. and the rain. love love love trees and stormy weather.

Work place gossip; stand up for yourself.

Have you ever been in a situation at work where you just sat there and took the verbal abuse because you were afraid you would lose your job? Or where you didn’t say all of your opinion, so you were left only “half heard” and it frustrated you? Yeah, me too.

When I finally got my first job- I was ecstatic. I bet just like you were. It was all new and you wanted to do things correctly so you didn’t find yourself in a situation you didn’t know how to handle. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you did something you didn’t think would be a “big deal” and you soon find yourself in the managers office wondering what you did wrong. The situation you find yourself in where you did everything right, but someone had disagreed with you on. Yeah, me too. I was always left wondering “what was the point of this talk?” I never felt like I learned or benefited from the “talk”. I was talked down too instead. Leaving like a failure and that they would get an eye on me to get me fired. Felt as though, they had nothing better to do with their time and wanted to just pick on me. I was always left devastated after these talks.

“You could of handled this situation differently.”
“You did everything well! Just, next time do it this way. Ok?”

The small stuff, you know? I was so sensitive and I let their words sink in to my bones. I felt as though what they were telling me totally negated my character and work ethics. I never saw myself as doing it wrong. I just went above and beyond what they wanted. They take in the bad vs the good. And that’s exactly how the world is- when it shouldn’t be. And I say all of this because I recently began to stand up for myself. Over the last two years- I finally told myself to just “do it”. Who actually cared about me standing up for myself?? Everyone stopped looking for that opening to take me out. And it felt great. However I did drop the reins a few times; like this year. I never talked about how I initially searched for help. What actually started it all. Shocker! It was work. I don’t know anyone else, personally that had a meltdown at work and a total freak out. So many things were piling up and I held my expectations very high. I thought I was failing everyone assumed everyone hated me for it. I spoke out with a whisper when issues “spontaneous” sprouted. I let the work force and the public bully me. So I left. (This will be continued later on in the future.)

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So today an opportunity had shined bright in my face. Just urging me to finally let it out. I was so calm and proud of myself as I spoke my mind. Standing there with two people, and confidence by my side I just let it sing out of me. I wasn’t going to be bullied anymore, and things will go my way. I know what you’re thinking.

“Faith, why do you care so much. It’s just a job!! Not a career!”

And you’re right. I just can’t help it. Or I should say- I couldn’t help it before. I’m a bubbly, happy and smiling person. I’m optimistic and truly believe that there are good people on this planet. I’m a extrovert with a loud voice. I’m a happy-go-getter. And I love that about myself- and it makes customer service very simple for me because of it. I’m organically “nice”. Genuinely. So when I get that one bad comment, I let it eat me up. It’ll nibble here and there until it wants to really feed. A snack turns into a meal. It physically hurts. That’s just the anxiety worming it’s way in though. And I can see that now. So I’m working on making sure I never feel that way again.

I found out the only way to help myself at work is to tell everyone how I want things done. Follow the rules and regulations and guidelines. Just be a decent human being that can follow rules and be nice. However I know that won’t happen. Which helped me realize I need a different job. Where people honestly care. I’m still seeking that job though.

Furthermore, don’t let anyone bully you. Stand up for yourself, let them know how you really feel. I believe that any job can be enjoyable if you really want it to be. Dreading going to work after having a talk is a painful experience I never want anyone to feel. If you’re like me, previous I had issues where my anxiety was so bad I would quit my jobs and find something else. I couldn’t face the music and get over it. Or I thought people would just look at me differently. It’s stupid writing this out now, and I see it. But I feel good at the same time; getting this off my chest.

Side note; I’ve been having trouble sleeping so i’m back on my sleeping medication.

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Goodbye alone time, hello outside world.

Today was my first day back at work after being gone for six weeks! I was extremely nervous to show up today, not knowing what to expect. And in all honestly, I wasn’t willing to work. I just wanted to stay home- even though I desperately needed something to do.

I didn’t have much of a routine like I wanted to this morning. The night before I had the urge to pick-up my room a little bit. And if you’re like me, you’ll get half way through it, sit down, and then lose all motivation to finish what you started. I told myself it would be wise to make a tiny to-do list to make myself feel better in the morning. Since I’m only working 6 hour shifts, I talked myself into thinking there would be “enough time” but there wasn’t. (HA) I ended up taking up most of my time just getting ready.

Overall today was a very stress free day. I was able to just focus on things that needed attention (machine status and order supplies) and some training. Working with some customers but not to many. It was such a good feeling. Some stuff had changed since I’ve been gone- which I’m surprised on. People leaving, some very quick updates on some policies and how we process items. And all the while, I felt no pressure. No “hurry and get this done”. No anxiousness. I shouldn’t soak to much of this in. I have a feeling I won’t feel this good for long.

Today also made me realize that I just want to stay home and not to anything. Just have the freedom to do the things I want when I’m ready. This feeling makes me want to work harder on the things I really want to do. Which is my blog and youtube and school. Knowing what you really want to do with your life is the best feeling ever. And I’m going to have to work very, very hard for these goals. I want to create my own lifestyle, doing all the things I want to do. Which is mostly reading, writing and drawing. And my new found- blogging and vlogging.

I told myself I had to write today because I felt great. However I spent the last three hours recording and editing (and reposting) my first youtube video which you can find here! I still have to post “week six” as well. It was a tough session and we didn’t talk much. So stay tuned for that post sometime tomorrow! (It’s midnight now. It’s been two weeks since I’ve stayed up this late!! )

Have y’all ever felt like you “belonged”? Or found the exact “thing” you never thought you’d do?

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Taking back the wheel; I can do it.

I got it all together now. I can see it all. Well, most of it- but that’s still a great start. I woke up this morning and I felt the good stuff. The good energy I’ve been seeking all week.

I’ve made list after list after list of things that I needed to do. And I’m finally not intimidated by them.  They’re not even to-do lists to me anymore, they are just “reminders” now.  I mean, that’s the realization I came to yesterday after therapy. They are there to help me when I’m bored. When I can’t think of what to do during the day. Ahhh it’s such a relief to finally see that now.

Anyways, after said therapy session I realized a ton (which will make more sense in “week six” post). I’m ready to get back into a real routine. I authentic routine where I can actually look forward too. Where I can wake up and go to work and then reward myself properly. This wasn’t a vacation. As much as I wanted it to be it wasn’t. This was the worst place I’ve ever been in my whole life. However I’m thankful for the support I have, and I’m thankful to have a place to stay while I went through this all.  I’m ready to be an adult and live my life doing whatever it is I want. And that is an amazing feeling to finally feel. I’ve never been more ready to do anything, ever, like I am now. Scream it from the backyard, on the tiny rock in the pool! (Because I’m terrified of heights, no rooftops for me. ) I don’t have a plan but I see myself capable of making one. Without any hurtful thoughts. Without any painful flashbacks or rejection or self-confidence thoughts in the way. Have you ever felt like that? Ready to do something without any strings holding you back? Or if you haven’t what did hold you back?

Now that’s off my chest I’m excited to announce I will be returning back to work this week! I start off with some easy shifts (thankfully) and I’ll be working with another co-worker in my department. Which I’m thankful for there too. I was anxious I was going to come back and get thrown right back into the mix of the workforce. When I honestly believed I needed a few stepping stones. So there is that. A little background with work.. I’m a department manager for Office Max. If you’ve ever been to one of these “related” retail stores, they operate a department where people can get copies, fax, and scan items and more! Yup that’s me. I run that department where we do all sorts of creative work. So it’s a very busy area all around. It can be stressful at times as well. I was alone for all of my shift until business shot up over the last few months and I couldn’t do the work by myself anymore. I really needed some extra hands, but we were limited. I had to wait a very long time before I was heard. And it took me leaving for this “break” for it to finally happen. Being a hard worker that needs to have all the tools to do my job makes it stressful sometimes. I built a massive amount of pressure on myself. So I hope you can see why I was extremely anxious.

Like I said before I really did wish this was a vacation I was on. All of a sudden, now that I’ll be returning back into work- I feel as though there are so many things I want to do before that day comes. (A little over 24 hours from now) I wish I took the time to focus more on my hobbies, and blogging. But I can’t be upset with myself. I came a very long way and I still have many, many more days to come. I can see it all now, what I’m able to do and not do without feeling pressure or any weight on myself. And that’s an exciting step.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what exciting steps you went through in your life! Was it a new car, or job? Pet or house? Maybe something personal like me!

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Credit to “Calm” for the photo.

When you’re ready to smile again.

I’m sweating. Only because I’m upstairs on my desktop and they say “heat rises”. So it’s hot up here. I’m shaking every now and then and as I filter through all the tabs I have opened.. I physically feel my mind and body race into all sorts of thoughts that I can’t seem to get a grip on.

Yesterday was a bad day, and I thought today was going to be another bad day. It took me two hours after waking up to realize that I needed to do something. I needed to get up and try to do something. Anything to make myself not feel like such a failure. Anything so someone would look at the task or action at hand and go “Look at you! You’re doing great!” But I won’t believe them. A task or action at hand that could shoot relief into my bloodstream. A task or action at hand that will release me from this suffocating grip around my torso. Anything. And as my cat comes, he headbutts me- his usual signal to open my arms so he can curl into me. It’s a sign I’ve recently noticed when I’m not myself. When I’m struggling to understand what I need to do to help myself. But I can’t figure it out. Nothing comes to mind. Just self disappointment on how I can’t get up and do something so simple. I let him hold me. And as my streaming tears fall on his fur, I can feel the vibration of his purrs in my chest. And I cry some more.

Some time had passed and something surged inside of me. I was willing. I was willing to try, just for a second. Start small. Something that would help feel a little more organized. My to-do lists where piling up and I couldn’t make another one. Another undone to-do list. So I made my bed. Jaja (my cat) loves when you make the bed. He bounces under the blanket and likes to smack the blanket down. It’s comforting to watch his joyfulness. After I make the bed, I needed to fold the laundry. It took me two hours to fold it all, but I’m proud to say I did it. I put the tv on and that’s what distracted me the most. But it’s ok. I’m ok with it now. And then all of a sudden it came back to me. Sitting down on the bed, it crept back. That sinking feeling. Where all of my insides instantly vanished- ripped out- and I’m left standing there, crumbling in on myself. The bones snap and grind together, my skin cold and solid. Shattering as it clashed on the way down with my bones. Left behind was a mess unable to be put back together. Humpty Dumpty has nothing on me at this point. So why bother. My soul was gone, and it didn’t want to come back. I was reminded how much of a failure I was. How much of a true loser I was. How I’m never able to complete anything. How much of  a burden I am. How much of a disappointment I am. How no one understood because I don’t know how to explain it. I can’t form words that have any intellect behind them. I drown myself with them- the words. They catch in my throat and clog my airway. The burning is so intense I’m crying, begging for my stomach to react and throw it all up. To help clear my air way. But she’s not phased. Because she’s already collapsing in on herself. Folded in so tight she can’t breath herself. And I panic. The sloppy kind, where I’m wrapping myself as hard as I can, eyes wide and flowing fluids. The type of breathing you get annoyed at in the horror movies because they are so loud and obnoxious and you want them to stop. Hyperventilation so intense you tremble but at the same time, you have a clear head. No idea how to make it stop. No idea how to get out. Just… sinking. Waiting for it to pass. So that the physical exhaustion can induce a sweet, blissful coma.

What started it all, all together.. I suddenly wanted space. I wanted to move out of my parents home because they want me gone. But not enough to push me out with nothing. I was reminded how much of a burden I was for not working while I dealt with my anxiety. How much of a burden I was while I dealt with my depression. How much of a burden I was because I wasn’t doing anything with my life. How I suck up all sorts of resources and need to contribute more. I felt selfish when in reality I’m not. And I felt so exceptionally lonely. Hopeless. Standards that are so high I can’t see them. Even with my anti-glare glasses. Expectations I attempt to crawl up too. However it’s on a mountain with no ledges. And you bet those standards are up there too. I know it. But whats the point. I’m not athletic enough mentally and physically to accomplish this. Lazy. Because I gave up before even giving it all I had. But I had nothing to give in the first place. Unmotivated.

And I haven’t tried. I haven’t put effort into anything. So I get worked up and angry with myself for not doing just that. Trying. I get so worked up that sometimes I’ll forget what I was so worked up over. It can take me days to remember that “one thing i didn’t do” and I’m angry all over again. Wondering why I can’t do it. Why I can’t help myself. Because the tool box was misplaced, and I can’t even bother to look for it. Because there is no point in wasting any energy, when I can’t try.  Can’t help myself. Just no point.

I understand now. I get it. I know I must live around it. Let this demon take the wheel and drive until it’s on empty. And hope there isn’t a gas can in the trunk. I get how I have to help myself. I get how I need to reach out. I get that I need to do something. I get how I must look forward to a fresh new day. But I can’t set myself up for that disappointment. I can’t let myself believe that yet, it’s just too premature. Just take notes on the scenery and log the hard work later. When you can handle looking back on these notes. When you’re ready to relive how truly dark your demon was. How his smile was so piercing white you recoiled. How he boomed with laughter for each flinch. How he held your hand and said it will all be OK. How he took your food away. How he took your strength away. How he took your will away. How he took your mind away. When you’re ready to put back together your skin and bones. Your lungs and heart and warmth. When you’re ready to smile again. And when that time comes to read these notes, smile and learn. Don’t take his hand next time. Smile and extend yours instead. When you’re ready.