Love the skin you’re in; TAG!

This is a great post for me to start on for Saturday I think! Browsing through my feed I noticed the beautiful Sophie Harris had done this “body positivity” and I’m all about that. Since I’ve been self conscious my whole life, being comfortable in my own skins means more to me then I can word. And in reference to Sophie’s blog, looks like this beauty Liliana is who started it all! Thank you for doing this!

____________

TAG RULES:

  • Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog in your post
  • Display the “love the skin you’re in” image.
  • Be truthful when answering the questions and don’t judge what other people have answered in their posts.
  • If you want to add any questions to this tag related to body positivity feel free to.
  • Try to nominate as many people as you can, if not everyone.

____________

 

QUESTIONS:

1. One feature you love about yourself?
One of my features that I love about me are my eyes. I adore them for the colors that they change, and I truly believe that they say when “the eyes are the window to the soul”. They are the first thing we look at, at one another. And I get compliments all the time about my eyes. I love them!

2. One feature you wish/wished you could change that you are trying to accept or have accepted?
If I was asked this before, say 3 months ago I would have told you my weight. Maybe I still think this way- since I am very aware of it. I wish I didn’t gain fat in my face, and I wish I didn’t gain fat in my midsection. I’ve been learning to love it though through clothing and accessories. AND a bathing suit. ❤

3. Have you ever thought of getting surgery to change you imperfections?
I’ve thought about enhancing my lips.. I want them to be full and plump. However I’ve never thought about changing anything else on my body. Maybe a breast lift but that was literally for a conversation and I never thought about it since. (I’ve accepted how big and well my breasts are even though they are taking my back out)

4. One of your main role models for body positivity?
I personally have no researched anyone. I know who Tess Holiday is.. but only from a facebook post. (So I really don’t know her tbh) I’ve been going all on my own about this. It’s best to be accepting and loving of your body.

5. Has a family member or friend ever put you down about your physical appearance? If so what for?
Yes, absolutely. We joke around and are really playful with one another in my household. So being called fat was a big thing for us (we are all overweight) and we used it as a grenade when we were angry or fighting. I was always singled out for my glasses as well, since I’m blind… they were always a inch thick. And it magnified my face INTENSELY and it still does. And my grandmother was big about singling out when we lost or gained weight. Ahhh, love it.

6. Something you love about your fashion sense or style?
This is something I’m still working on. However I love bright pastel girly colors, but I also love the basic fashion you see in magazines. Anyways, whatever I see I try and make it work with what I have. I’m not a fashionista in anyway. I just love cloths that I can find that fit me.

7. Why is your body a great place to be?
My body is a great place to be because it IS my temple. I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs (not illegal ones anyways) and over the last two months I’ve realized how much my body means to me. I cherish her more, and I notice all the small things now. With meditation and self care treatments.. I’ve just learned to love her. And me.

____________

I’m the one with the black rimmed glasses on the far left. My name is Faith and I love my body. 🙂

14494827_1095242560525345_4245028604357751372_n

@afracturedfaith!

@Brenana!

@feliefelspages!

@Neuro Rebel!

 

Depression: Turns out I can’t do it.

Once again, this week was my first week back to work. And in the beginning it was going well. I felt good the first day- I was able to ease in without having to deal with people. Just follow a to-do list and have it done before I leave. Boom, had it done. Day two is fuzzy to me now. I was frustrated that I was getting a lot of returns on jobs and how they were done wrong. So I spoke about it to my boss. Which is what inspired my last post ( Work place gossip; stand up for yourself. ) and as you can see I felt.. iffy. And then Wednesday came along and I left it. I was exhausted and didn’t want to go in, but I did it anyways. I went in and tried to keep it as healthy as I could. Not positive, because that would have been TOO much to handle, so I just worked on being as “good” as I could be. And it didn’t work out.

I didn’t take the time to take my breaks for my meditation, I didn’t take time to even tend to myself. And I see that now. However at that time I didn’t. I’m trying not to judge myself and tear myself down.. but it’s so hard. It’s so difficult not too. So I did what I knew best, I called out. I didn’t show up to work on Thursday OR today. (Friday) And.. sadly enough I felt great not going. I felt great not going. I visited the happy house in Wednesday too, and we talked about some stuff that I can kinda see now. However that’s for this weeks happy house post. So yesterday- I went crazy. I was so FULL of great energy so I researched and updated my about me page ( About In the life of Faith ) I worked on my next YouTube video I did some edits, I mean I DID things! Things I wanted to do. I love love love love LOVE that feeling. THIS feeling! Feeling of freedom.. feeling of being open to do what I want.. but saying that makes me feel selfish. I’m clearly in lala land, but I don’t want to leave. This is my happy place- this is my bubble. Please don’t make me leave.

I don’t have regrets and I want to move forward. But I can’t see how. How can I still be me and make a living without killing myself.

lake and trees stock photo

p.s i love this type of scenery. and the rain. love love love trees and stormy weather.

Work place gossip; stand up for yourself.

Have you ever been in a situation at work where you just sat there and took the verbal abuse because you were afraid you would lose your job? Or where you didn’t say all of your opinion, so you were left only “half heard” and it frustrated you? Yeah, me too.

When I finally got my first job- I was ecstatic. I bet just like you were. It was all new and you wanted to do things correctly so you didn’t find yourself in a situation you didn’t know how to handle. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you did something you didn’t think would be a “big deal” and you soon find yourself in the managers office wondering what you did wrong. The situation you find yourself in where you did everything right, but someone had disagreed with you on. Yeah, me too. I was always left wondering “what was the point of this talk?” I never felt like I learned or benefited from the “talk”. I was talked down too instead. Leaving like a failure and that they would get an eye on me to get me fired. Felt as though, they had nothing better to do with their time and wanted to just pick on me. I was always left devastated after these talks.

“You could of handled this situation differently.”
“You did everything well! Just, next time do it this way. Ok?”

The small stuff, you know? I was so sensitive and I let their words sink in to my bones. I felt as though what they were telling me totally negated my character and work ethics. I never saw myself as doing it wrong. I just went above and beyond what they wanted. They take in the bad vs the good. And that’s exactly how the world is- when it shouldn’t be. And I say all of this because I recently began to stand up for myself. Over the last two years- I finally told myself to just “do it”. Who actually cared about me standing up for myself?? Everyone stopped looking for that opening to take me out. And it felt great. However I did drop the reins a few times; like this year. I never talked about how I initially searched for help. What actually started it all. Shocker! It was work. I don’t know anyone else, personally that had a meltdown at work and a total freak out. So many things were piling up and I held my expectations very high. I thought I was failing everyone assumed everyone hated me for it. I spoke out with a whisper when issues “spontaneous” sprouted. I let the work force and the public bully me. So I left. (This will be continued later on in the future.)

sad window stock

 

So today an opportunity had shined bright in my face. Just urging me to finally let it out. I was so calm and proud of myself as I spoke my mind. Standing there with two people, and confidence by my side I just let it sing out of me. I wasn’t going to be bullied anymore, and things will go my way. I know what you’re thinking.

“Faith, why do you care so much. It’s just a job!! Not a career!”

And you’re right. I just can’t help it. Or I should say- I couldn’t help it before. I’m a bubbly, happy and smiling person. I’m optimistic and truly believe that there are good people on this planet. I’m a extrovert with a loud voice. I’m a happy-go-getter. And I love that about myself- and it makes customer service very simple for me because of it. I’m organically “nice”. Genuinely. So when I get that one bad comment, I let it eat me up. It’ll nibble here and there until it wants to really feed. A snack turns into a meal. It physically hurts. That’s just the anxiety worming it’s way in though. And I can see that now. So I’m working on making sure I never feel that way again.

I found out the only way to help myself at work is to tell everyone how I want things done. Follow the rules and regulations and guidelines. Just be a decent human being that can follow rules and be nice. However I know that won’t happen. Which helped me realize I need a different job. Where people honestly care. I’m still seeking that job though.

Furthermore, don’t let anyone bully you. Stand up for yourself, let them know how you really feel. I believe that any job can be enjoyable if you really want it to be. Dreading going to work after having a talk is a painful experience I never want anyone to feel. If you’re like me, previous I had issues where my anxiety was so bad I would quit my jobs and find something else. I couldn’t face the music and get over it. Or I thought people would just look at me differently. It’s stupid writing this out now, and I see it. But I feel good at the same time; getting this off my chest.

Side note; I’ve been having trouble sleeping so i’m back on my sleeping medication.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Taking back the wheel; I can do it.

I got it all together now. I can see it all. Well, most of it- but that’s still a great start. I woke up this morning and I felt the good stuff. The good energy I’ve been seeking all week.

I’ve made list after list after list of things that I needed to do. And I’m finally not intimidated by them.  They’re not even to-do lists to me anymore, they are just “reminders” now.  I mean, that’s the realization I came to yesterday after therapy. They are there to help me when I’m bored. When I can’t think of what to do during the day. Ahhh it’s such a relief to finally see that now.

Anyways, after said therapy session I realized a ton (which will make more sense in “week six” post). I’m ready to get back into a real routine. I authentic routine where I can actually look forward too. Where I can wake up and go to work and then reward myself properly. This wasn’t a vacation. As much as I wanted it to be it wasn’t. This was the worst place I’ve ever been in my whole life. However I’m thankful for the support I have, and I’m thankful to have a place to stay while I went through this all.  I’m ready to be an adult and live my life doing whatever it is I want. And that is an amazing feeling to finally feel. I’ve never been more ready to do anything, ever, like I am now. Scream it from the backyard, on the tiny rock in the pool! (Because I’m terrified of heights, no rooftops for me. ) I don’t have a plan but I see myself capable of making one. Without any hurtful thoughts. Without any painful flashbacks or rejection or self-confidence thoughts in the way. Have you ever felt like that? Ready to do something without any strings holding you back? Or if you haven’t what did hold you back?

Now that’s off my chest I’m excited to announce I will be returning back to work this week! I start off with some easy shifts (thankfully) and I’ll be working with another co-worker in my department. Which I’m thankful for there too. I was anxious I was going to come back and get thrown right back into the mix of the workforce. When I honestly believed I needed a few stepping stones. So there is that. A little background with work.. I’m a department manager for Office Max. If you’ve ever been to one of these “related” retail stores, they operate a department where people can get copies, fax, and scan items and more! Yup that’s me. I run that department where we do all sorts of creative work. So it’s a very busy area all around. It can be stressful at times as well. I was alone for all of my shift until business shot up over the last few months and I couldn’t do the work by myself anymore. I really needed some extra hands, but we were limited. I had to wait a very long time before I was heard. And it took me leaving for this “break” for it to finally happen. Being a hard worker that needs to have all the tools to do my job makes it stressful sometimes. I built a massive amount of pressure on myself. So I hope you can see why I was extremely anxious.

Like I said before I really did wish this was a vacation I was on. All of a sudden, now that I’ll be returning back into work- I feel as though there are so many things I want to do before that day comes. (A little over 24 hours from now) I wish I took the time to focus more on my hobbies, and blogging. But I can’t be upset with myself. I came a very long way and I still have many, many more days to come. I can see it all now, what I’m able to do and not do without feeling pressure or any weight on myself. And that’s an exciting step.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what exciting steps you went through in your life! Was it a new car, or job? Pet or house? Maybe something personal like me!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Follow me on Facebook and or Twitter for more updates on my meditation journey, tidbits and relaxing music and blog updates!

2017-07-22 08.21.55

Credit to “Calm” for the photo.