Work place gossip; better then week one.

Today is Monday that feels like a… Monday. That’s a disappointment in itself actually. However I am ok with it. Have to be accepting and grateful either way.

Today- as I felt last week. I was exhausted and did NOT want to go. I’ve been debating and debating and debating with myself since last Thursday about what I wanted to do.. for work. As I mentioned in this post here  I’m not ready to give up all that free time I had when I was on LOA. The happy house said something along the likes of “no punishment when you procrastinate” and it made sense. I knew I had a luxury of doing whatever I wanted and take as long as I wanted to get it done. That felt great. And I miss that.

Moving on though, today was one of those days. I did NOT sleep last night and I kept waking up all through out the night. I woke up an hour before work, which is not something I use to do. However I’m really trying to really make due with what I have for right now. Thankfully I was able to breath when needed today, and took everything one step at a time. I use to just rush myself to finish jobs and I told myself it wouldn’t be like that anymore. After reading this article about workplace wellness it helped me confirm that I was unhappy. And that’s ok. Because I have to be accepting. I have to understand my limits and learn to do things differently. Rewiring the brain for everything you use to do in your life is the biggest challenge to face. Last week I shut myself down and said “no”. And since I’m not in a position anymore to continue to say no- I have to learn to stand up and make the changes I want and be comfortable at work.

I want to return to school and get a degree and a career doing something I love and that really excites me. However I’m not there yet. I put it down temporary because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. And that’s ok too. I have to get my ducks in line and establish a living before school. It sounds sheep-ly to say, however.. it’s how I feel. I don’t want to back track again, so that’s the only goal I have going for me right now. Don’t think so much and just keep going. We can work out kinks later, ya know?

I got off topic again. Just a quiet day of doing everything at my own pace and not letting anyone say differently. Sorry, I’m not so passionate talking about a retail job. I just hope to share whatever I learn to help others cope.. because I know quite a few that can’t. Shucks I can’t, so I’m def apart of that group. This week will be hard for me but I’m ready for it. I have some ideas that I really want to work on and I hope y’all continue to follow me through it all.

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Work place gossip; stand up for yourself.

Have you ever been in a situation at work where you just sat there and took the verbal abuse because you were afraid you would lose your job? Or where you didn’t say all of your opinion, so you were left only “half heard” and it frustrated you? Yeah, me too.

When I finally got my first job- I was ecstatic. I bet just like you were. It was all new and you wanted to do things correctly so you didn’t find yourself in a situation you didn’t know how to handle. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you did something you didn’t think would be a “big deal” and you soon find yourself in the managers office wondering what you did wrong. The situation you find yourself in where you did everything right, but someone had disagreed with you on. Yeah, me too. I was always left wondering “what was the point of this talk?” I never felt like I learned or benefited from the “talk”. I was talked down too instead. Leaving like a failure and that they would get an eye on me to get me fired. Felt as though, they had nothing better to do with their time and wanted to just pick on me. I was always left devastated after these talks.

“You could of handled this situation differently.”
“You did everything well! Just, next time do it this way. Ok?”

The small stuff, you know? I was so sensitive and I let their words sink in to my bones. I felt as though what they were telling me totally negated my character and work ethics. I never saw myself as doing it wrong. I just went above and beyond what they wanted. They take in the bad vs the good. And that’s exactly how the world is- when it shouldn’t be. And I say all of this because I recently began to stand up for myself. Over the last two years- I finally told myself to just “do it”. Who actually cared about me standing up for myself?? Everyone stopped looking for that opening to take me out. And it felt great. However I did drop the reins a few times; like this year. I never talked about how I initially searched for help. What actually started it all. Shocker! It was work. I don’t know anyone else, personally that had a meltdown at work and a total freak out. So many things were piling up and I held my expectations very high. I thought I was failing everyone assumed everyone hated me for it. I spoke out with a whisper when issues “spontaneous” sprouted. I let the work force and the public bully me. So I left. (This will be continued later on in the future.)

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So today an opportunity had shined bright in my face. Just urging me to finally let it out. I was so calm and proud of myself as I spoke my mind. Standing there with two people, and confidence by my side I just let it sing out of me. I wasn’t going to be bullied anymore, and things will go my way. I know what you’re thinking.

“Faith, why do you care so much. It’s just a job!! Not a career!”

And you’re right. I just can’t help it. Or I should say- I couldn’t help it before. I’m a bubbly, happy and smiling person. I’m optimistic and truly believe that there are good people on this planet. I’m a extrovert with a loud voice. I’m a happy-go-getter. And I love that about myself- and it makes customer service very simple for me because of it. I’m organically “nice”. Genuinely. So when I get that one bad comment, I let it eat me up. It’ll nibble here and there until it wants to really feed. A snack turns into a meal. It physically hurts. That’s just the anxiety worming it’s way in though. And I can see that now. So I’m working on making sure I never feel that way again.

I found out the only way to help myself at work is to tell everyone how I want things done. Follow the rules and regulations and guidelines. Just be a decent human being that can follow rules and be nice. However I know that won’t happen. Which helped me realize I need a different job. Where people honestly care. I’m still seeking that job though.

Furthermore, don’t let anyone bully you. Stand up for yourself, let them know how you really feel. I believe that any job can be enjoyable if you really want it to be. Dreading going to work after having a talk is a painful experience I never want anyone to feel. If you’re like me, previous I had issues where my anxiety was so bad I would quit my jobs and find something else. I couldn’t face the music and get over it. Or I thought people would just look at me differently. It’s stupid writing this out now, and I see it. But I feel good at the same time; getting this off my chest.

Side note; I’ve been having trouble sleeping so i’m back on my sleeping medication.

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