Work place gossip; better then week one.

Today is Monday that feels like a… Monday. That’s a disappointment in itself actually. However I am ok with it. Have to be accepting and grateful either way.

Today- as I felt last week. I was exhausted and did NOT want to go. I’ve been debating and debating and debating with myself since last Thursday about what I wanted to do.. for work. As I mentioned in this post here  I’m not ready to give up all that free time I had when I was on LOA. The happy house said something along the likes of “no punishment when you procrastinate” and it made sense. I knew I had a luxury of doing whatever I wanted and take as long as I wanted to get it done. That felt great. And I miss that.

Moving on though, today was one of those days. I did NOT sleep last night and I kept waking up all through out the night. I woke up an hour before work, which is not something I use to do. However I’m really trying to really make due with what I have for right now. Thankfully I was able to breath when needed today, and took everything one step at a time. I use to just rush myself to finish jobs and I told myself it wouldn’t be like that anymore. After reading this article about workplace wellness it helped me confirm that I was unhappy. And that’s ok. Because I have to be accepting. I have to understand my limits and learn to do things differently. Rewiring the brain for everything you use to do in your life is the biggest challenge to face. Last week I shut myself down and said “no”. And since I’m not in a position anymore to continue to say no- I have to learn to stand up and make the changes I want and be comfortable at work.

I want to return to school and get a degree and a career doing something I love and that really excites me. However I’m not there yet. I put it down temporary because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. And that’s ok too. I have to get my ducks in line and establish a living before school. It sounds sheep-ly to say, however.. it’s how I feel. I don’t want to back track again, so that’s the only goal I have going for me right now. Don’t think so much and just keep going. We can work out kinks later, ya know?

I got off topic again. Just a quiet day of doing everything at my own pace and not letting anyone say differently. Sorry, I’m not so passionate talking about a retail job. I just hope to share whatever I learn to help others cope.. because I know quite a few that can’t. Shucks I can’t, so I’m def apart of that group. This week will be hard for me but I’m ready for it. I have some ideas that I really want to work on and I hope y’all continue to follow me through it all.

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Depression: Turns out I can’t do it.

Once again, this week was my first week back to work. And in the beginning it was going well. I felt good the first day- I was able to ease in without having to deal with people. Just follow a to-do list and have it done before I leave. Boom, had it done. Day two is fuzzy to me now. I was frustrated that I was getting a lot of returns on jobs and how they were done wrong. So I spoke about it to my boss. Which is what inspired my last post ( Work place gossip; stand up for yourself. ) and as you can see I felt.. iffy. And then Wednesday came along and I left it. I was exhausted and didn’t want to go in, but I did it anyways. I went in and tried to keep it as healthy as I could. Not positive, because that would have been TOO much to handle, so I just worked on being as “good” as I could be. And it didn’t work out.

I didn’t take the time to take my breaks for my meditation, I didn’t take time to even tend to myself. And I see that now. However at that time I didn’t. I’m trying not to judge myself and tear myself down.. but it’s so hard. It’s so difficult not too. So I did what I knew best, I called out. I didn’t show up to work on Thursday OR today. (Friday) And.. sadly enough I felt great not going. I felt great not going. I visited the happy house in Wednesday too, and we talked about some stuff that I can kinda see now. However that’s for this weeks happy house post. So yesterday- I went crazy. I was so FULL of great energy so I researched and updated my about me page ( About In the life of Faith ) I worked on my next YouTube video I did some edits, I mean I DID things! Things I wanted to do. I love love love love LOVE that feeling. THIS feeling! Feeling of freedom.. feeling of being open to do what I want.. but saying that makes me feel selfish. I’m clearly in lala land, but I don’t want to leave. This is my happy place- this is my bubble. Please don’t make me leave.

I don’t have regrets and I want to move forward. But I can’t see how. How can I still be me and make a living without killing myself.

lake and trees stock photo

p.s i love this type of scenery. and the rain. love love love trees and stormy weather.