Work place gossip; better then week one.

Today is Monday that feels like a… Monday. That’s a disappointment in itself actually. However I am ok with it. Have to be accepting and grateful either way.

Today- as I felt last week. I was exhausted and did NOT want to go. I’ve been debating and debating and debating with myself since last Thursday about what I wanted to do.. for work. As I mentioned in this post here  I’m not ready to give up all that free time I had when I was on LOA. The happy house said something along the likes of “no punishment when you procrastinate” and it made sense. I knew I had a luxury of doing whatever I wanted and take as long as I wanted to get it done. That felt great. And I miss that.

Moving on though, today was one of those days. I did NOT sleep last night and I kept waking up all through out the night. I woke up an hour before work, which is not something I use to do. However I’m really trying to really make due with what I have for right now. Thankfully I was able to breath when needed today, and took everything one step at a time. I use to just rush myself to finish jobs and I told myself it wouldn’t be like that anymore. After reading this article about workplace wellness it helped me confirm that I was unhappy. And that’s ok. Because I have to be accepting. I have to understand my limits and learn to do things differently. Rewiring the brain for everything you use to do in your life is the biggest challenge to face. Last week I shut myself down and said “no”. And since I’m not in a position anymore to continue to say no- I have to learn to stand up and make the changes I want and be comfortable at work.

I want to return to school and get a degree and a career doing something I love and that really excites me. However I’m not there yet. I put it down temporary because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. And that’s ok too. I have to get my ducks in line and establish a living before school. It sounds sheep-ly to say, however.. it’s how I feel. I don’t want to back track again, so that’s the only goal I have going for me right now. Don’t think so much and just keep going. We can work out kinks later, ya know?

I got off topic again. Just a quiet day of doing everything at my own pace and not letting anyone say differently. Sorry, I’m not so passionate talking about a retail job. I just hope to share whatever I learn to help others cope.. because I know quite a few that can’t. Shucks I can’t, so I’m def apart of that group. This week will be hard for me but I’m ready for it. I have some ideas that I really want to work on and I hope y’all continue to follow me through it all.

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Need peaceful music to get to sleep? Try this relaxing music out!

 

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Take as long of a break as you need.

I would like to take a moment to day thank you to you all whom read this and my posts. I’ve noticed I honestly just write to feel better. Getting my thoughts and feelings into words was such a struggle for me in the past. I don’t know what I feared back then.. All I know is that its gone. The fear. I’ve always felt a type of freedom when I wrote. So thank you for letting me ramble and vent while I continue to find myself. It truly means the world to me. Thank you!

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Whatever limbo I found myself in last week is gone this week. The darkness and its friends just took off. I’m grateful they finally left. That was defiantly “Torment” difficulty in a  game mode I don’t ever want to play again. I shouldn’t have spoke to soon, because as I was writing this on my tablet I found the positive energy to get on my desktop to finish writing this. So I gathered all my ritual belongings I take with me everywhere up the stairs to the loft and plumbed myself down in from of this screen.

I don’t have a “routine” or anything when it comes to logging on my computer. I check all my social medias on my phone when I wake up in the morning, along with my emails. However today I found myself logging on to facebook and announcing that I was having a good morning.

fb status

I opened up all the tabs that I wanted to be in so I wouldn’t forget to check or update any of them. I engaged with some friends whom where really happy for me and my good day and then suddenly I couldn’t breath. My head was filled and overflowing with all these thoughts that I can’t even make out now. I ran back down the stairs and fell on the bed and cried on my boyfriends back. I was chanting “i’m ok” as I hugged him tighter and tighter. I was throwing him off guard as well as myself. He’s trying to get me to talk, asking me to calm down and tell him. I can’t figure it out. I can’t see what it was that got me so worked up. I had no triggers.. no one said nothing to me that made me feel anything negative. So what was it? When I sat up I couldn’t stop shaking my head back and forth, chanting “it was nothing” to myself over and over and over again. Even writing this out I can’t find out what it was. “It was too much.” I said. I had overwhelmed myself with “things to do” which has to be the only explanation.

Today is Monday, the started of a new week. Exactly 7 days from now I will be returning to work. Back into the “adult world”. I feel ready enough to join back into civilization but I don’t want to go. This was one of the thoughts I had while opening up a YouTube tab to listen to some calming music. Which I don’t do at all might I add- listen to music. However today I wanted to try and take my mind off the silence and create some kind of white noise. Music has too much of an emotional stick to it and everything I have on my playlists aren’t recent songs. I don’t want to remember all those feelings I had. So I just listened to some OSTs from some video games I enjoy. I couldn’t find the one I was actually looking for, and I was getting frustrated. I felt as my legs started to ache and I was sweating. (I sweat buckets on the daily actually) I was fidgeting in my seat, really building up this frustration. And when I found it finally I anticipated relief. As I go to click the play button I was ready to have the flush of pent up energy to leave me. It didn’t. I’m bouncing around still flipping through my bullet journal and I noticed I didn’t even write out this weeks spread. How could I forget this? I have so many things I need to do- I can’t forget anything! It’s just.. the only thing I remember is me wanting to go to the library and how I needed to post on this blog here. Nothing else came into view. Not a single thought or image. Nothing. When just seconds ago I was thinking about drawing some pieces for my blog posts, and what imaged I wanted to use in this specific blog post. How I can be productive reading ‘Fight Club’ and doing come chores around the house. I was drained of it all.

I still don’t know what to tell my boyfriend. Shoot I don’t even know what to tell myself except to back track to 4:46am and relax. I need to do something calming and distracting. I need to be mindful of me in this moment. Assess the situation:

“I don’t feel good.”
“What doesn’t feel good?”
“My mind.”
“Ok, lets do something to get your mind off it.”

Boom.

I’m taking a moment to smile because I didn’t know this is what I needed until I wrote it out. I need to take a moment and get in touch with my mind and body and see what she needs. What do I need right now to calm down? To relax? I’m going down the list I had made in my head and in my bullet journal: I had some water, I ate that burrito I forgot in the microwave, I reached out to someone to vent. And.. now what? More food I think. Food has always made me feel better. Which is probably why I gained all the weight I have LOL! I’m ok with it though. Food is amazing. And at this point I would put on Grey’s Anatomy while eating said food and take my mind off it. Until I felt the positive energy come back to me. The energy I need to get back on the horse and ride on.

Boom.

P.S: As soon as I wrote “Boom” to end this post, my boyfriend showed up with food and asked to eat it all with me. ❤

CREDIT: The header image of “coffee break” is not mine. Credit to this blog post here.

Empty but full.

I’ve found myself laying around. For hours even. I’ve lost all track and sense for time.. I can’t tell what is what right now. I can’t find the strength to even move. I’m telling myself that I need to do something. Anything that might help me get out of this “slump”.

It doesn’t even feel like a slump, I’m physically heavy. I’m so heavy I can’t move. My mind won’t budge either, it can’t process anything. I’m forcing myself to write this. How I feel and what I feel so I can try and help myself. I can’t tell if it’s working yet though. It’s like I said though I can’t feel anything but weight. It starts from my head down. it’s crazy.

This morning was like most of my mornings. I’ll nap for 4 hours and then find myself awake around midnight. And then I’m up. I’m up for hours just laying in bed. I’ll toss all these random items into my bed, in hopes I’ll find the motivation to pick something up and work on it. It’s always paper ya know. I will horde all my stationary stuff on my bed. My journal, my bullet journal, my tablet, books, pens, my art supplies, notebooks that look pretty that I haven’t utilized yet. Just all spread out across my queen size bed. After I’ve calmed down, I’ll get sleepy but I don’t take anything off the bed. I want to sleep with it there, sticking to my face or my legs. I’ll flip through all the channels hoping to find something interesting to watch. I’ll go through all the “on demand” channels too, desperate for relief. I wish I had a smart tv.

Needless to say I didn’t do anything. I laid in bed with my junk and I watched whatever sounded interesting. Which was only one movie called “Haunter”. Some IFC movie, really good. I’m not sure what triggered it, but when I was talking to my boyfriend it hit me. This sudden urge to cry. I started to sob and weep just TALKING to him. Which isn’t unusual. What made it unusual was how I didn’t feel anything before hand. I didn’t sense the panic rise in my throat. I didn’t feel my lung collapse in retaliation. I was a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know what was happening until it happened. I’m telling him how I wanted a physical friend. How I wanted him to be that best friend because I have none. I don’t have someone to call and come over when I need help. Or when I don’t want my boyfriend to be bothered because he’s already taking care of me. I have plenty of online friends, but no physical friends. No one to touch, no one to scream in my face. I felt, different. I don’t know who I am right now. I’m empty. I’m empty and it’s toxic. Just gushing and flooding every little cell in my body. It’s so overwhelming it’s suffocating. Like right now I don’t even know what I’m saying.

This morning’s breakdown broke me. I realized so much- maybe even TOO much at once. You would think epiphanies would be positive, but I felt like it was just a sudden jolt of “oh shit”. My head weights heavy, but it’s empty. Maybe this is shock. Maybe this is me trying to understand what I’ve done. Why I did this to myself. How I even got to this point in life. It’s devastating to extreme measures, that I can’t even put it into words.

I did this to myself. I pushed others away and told myself “it’s just me, I can do this”. Lie after lie after lie, I said that I was enough. I didn’t need anyone. No one understood me and my feelings. No one understood my actions and outbursts. They didn’t know me. And I found no point in trying to let them, because I was enough. I didn’t need to be dependent or a burden because I thought I was strong enough. And for once in my life, this is a reality I can accept. I fed myself nasty, wicked thoughts and tried to live my life. But I was so wrong. I was so very wrong. I couldn’t ask for help because I didn’t know how, but now I do. I do now and it’s terrifying because I want to stand up, and be that better person. I want to be the person I think I am, but with some training wheels.

Just the other day I was so happy. It was so genuine and I soaked it all up. It was the best embrace I’ve ever been in, and I’m a hugger ok. I just let it hold me and take the lead. I laughed so much over the last few days, and it felt great. Why haven’t I laughed like this, like, everyday? The kind of laugh that makes you wheeze and cough, to the point your laugh doesn’t even make that “hahaha” sound. You just hold your breath in and make soft wheezing sounds. I was just drunk. I was ready to do things, ready to be me. But then suddenly, I reminded myself that I shouldn’t let this get me too high. A happy high for me differs I guess. I only had one memorable happy high moment that lasted three months and then sudden found a black hole and vanished. No matter how many times I tried to reel it back in, I was just left with soggy bait. And just like that, this current mood just poofs. I was so energized and was feeling good and ready and now? Now I don’t know. I’ve fallen and can’t get up.

Why did I let that once sentence ruin everything. I just don’t know where I’m going or how to end this, so I’m gunna end it here.

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