Let’s do that blog thing

Do you know what people say when you first start a blog? Read other blogs. Find out what others are doing, find out how they do things and learn from them.

Ive actually only ever read about 12 other people’s blog if that. I remember going on Stephanie Meyers website, when I was about 13-14 just so I could read her blog updates about her writing. It was such a big deal for me, to log on everyday to see if anything new posted. After that I found myself on Pinterest, where an obscene amount of bloggers post their content on. It lead me to so many resources and how to’s- I mean if you’ve never been on Pinterest, you’re missing out.

However, I still don’t actively visit other sites/blogs. There are some on this wonderful site that I venture too every now and then. Especially if I have email updates but that’s it.

How influential is that? Like, let me ask you. Why do you read my stuff? What’s the point of blogging? What’s the structure of blogging? What do I give that benefits others? These are things that hold me back from my own blogging. I never feel like I’m good enough- and that someone, out there, is way more influential than me. Or more resourceful. Or just- better. These thoughts are just irrational, yes, but also deliberating.

I found out that I like to blog, to write, and I like to write, to get things off my chest. So why not do it in a public setting so others can see, relate, and know they are not alone in their thoughts. That’s helpful, right? To feel like you’re not alone?

My mind tried to shovel this random- loneliness into this random sink hole that I never knew existed in my brain daily. It’s exhausting, and I constantly need validation which is also exhausting. Which is how my blogging started and came to be. I’m very bad with commitment, especially if I’m depressed. And I found that’s the case in my blogging to. I’ve always wanted to take it seriously- I did in the beginning. But once I found other ways to vent, and heal, it was like I didn’t need it anymore.

So what about everyone else? What about the people that do read my stuff? And actually want to see more of it? Well, I’m not sure. But I’m trying. I’m trying to keep going, I’m trying to commit and I’m working on being happy.

So what do you think? What did you like about my blog? If you had one question to ask me, what would it be? Let me know in the comments below, or message me!

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After hours: insomnia

I can’t tell if this is good or bad insomnia. Good morning I can’t sleep because I want to study and learn things. Or this insomnia being bad because I honestly just can’t sleep. Maybe it’s bad because I’m combining the two together! (I hope not)

My sleeping in general doesn’t have the best track record, but I’m taking major steps in hoping I can actually get to sleep faster and feeling rested. This week I’ve started walking and doing 3-5 minutes cardio exercises. The work out feels amazing, and being overweight has many negative side affects. So I’m hoping that shredding some beef will help with my sleep. It also does make me physical tired to the point I’m ready to sleep on the ground in my workout gear. But it’s been iffy, some nights I sleep without a problem before midnight and others I’m wide awake until 3am regardless of being physically tired.

I’m trying to stop eating after a certain time in the evening as well. It’s said you should eat after 6pm? Or maybe it’s 8pm I’m not sure. I’m trying not to eat after 9, 10 at the latest. Over the last three years I’ve had this huge urge to eat, I’m talking about waking up from a dead sleep, going into the kitchen and make something to eat with my eyes still closed. It’s typically sweets or something that’s in a bag. Or a sandwich!! It’s really funny but god awful. I’m working on drinking as much fluids as I can after 10 to stunt the “bored food craving”. It’s been hard because I really want seconds of dinner or a frozen pizza (really bad) before bed and when I don’t eat it I get all agitated. Who wants to deal with that kind of person???? I know I don’t, and I’m the one doing it!

I’m also trying to stay off my phone for a large sum of time before bed. In case you didn’t know, being on your phone before bed created a ton of stimuli, which keeps the body awake and wanting the urge to stay scrolling on your phone longer. Your brain doesn’t get the proper rest it needs. Same with sleeping with the tv on, I stopped doing that a year ago and that’s significantly helped. Sometimes I do leave the tv on if my anxiety is high and I don’t want to feel alone. The noise calms me down.

Anyways, this is all from week one of doing these small things. I don’t have instant results yet, but I’m confident these will help me in a few weeks. If you have any suggestions let me know!!

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Airport sanctuary

Today my sister left to collect her friend from another state. She’s moving in with us to (hopefully) have a better life and just help her out. I’m excited to have someone else in the house, sometimes we get at each other’s throats. I like that though, I feel like we still have some connection.

I took her to the airport which was a fun trip even though we didn’t do anything nor stay long. Airports are the best place to people watch, no questions asked. All around you are so many interesting people! In the lounge area, there was a place for pizza, and there was a woman at a tit table with food all around her as she propped up her feet on a nearby chair just scrolling on her phone. For some reason watching her made me relaxed.

The airport traffic wasn’t too bad, but then again I’m not familiar with the airport average pedestrian traffic. I would also like to mention that the sounds were really compelling, I wanted to get on a plain so bad. Super jealous of everyone flying now.

The drop off of my sister was short though, I checked her in, walked her to the gate and said sayonara. The sunlight was powerful but inviting at the same time. Sun does improve your mental health because it’s a vitamin d source! I forgot all of my problems in that place. I wish I had more places like that that wasn’t 30 minutes without traffic around me.

I’m going to start finding places I can go for it to be my happy place.

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January overview- health tracker.

I know it’s been a good minute since my last post but I’m doing great! Finding the time to share with everyone what’s going on is difficult, but it’s coming I promise!

I wanted to reflect on January and how I did overall. I hope this inspires others to track their health and to feel motivated to try new things. This is the best way I’ve found to actually see how I’m doing each and every day. I’m hoping to use this as well with therapy and with my psychiatrist in the future.

Mood tracker

I haven’t done that great of a job tracking my moods for January. Looks like I had only logged the first week (1st-7th). I’ll have a photo of this for February’s posting! I use the app called (Moods)

Habit Tracker

I’m very proud of myself for logging so much material! You never think about the small things you do daily, like taking the trash out or flossing. This is a huge set for me in keeping track of those small things. And it helps me understand what I do absolutely terrible in. (Like reading and working out) I don’t like the random colors I used though. It was really hard to read and I felt like each color had no place. This month I’m using only one color though!

Gratitude Journal

I’ve noticed that when my day is over I love to reflect on what made me happy, and what made me so grateful. I use to be so happy and grateful for the small things, like coffee and food. But now I’ve learned that as much as though small things to do for me, they aren’t something I’m truly grateful for. I’ve seen the bigger picture. I’m grateful for my steady job, my boyfriend and supportive family and so many other big things in my life.

Needless to say, I’m still grateful for the smaller things in life, but I’m learning and that’s all I can ask of myself. Looking back I can recall when I wrote each one of these entries and how I felt. It makes me all warm inside!

Overall January was a great start to this new year. Emotionally I had some moments of impending doom and felt as though my coworkers and friends hated me. I had many irrational thoughts but many moments of calm.

I hope to do better with meditation, light workouts and eating healthier. I’ve been taking snacks to work like yogurt and fruits and it’s gone well so far. I also hope to write and read more into February! My reading list is growing and I feel like I have no time!

Thanks for reading!

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Motivational Monday – Wherever life plants you, bloom with grace.

Today has been hard for me because my anxiety wants to act up. I know the lies the Beldamn wants to infect me with, and I know that my fight is ongoing. I can’t let her win and I must remind myself that only I can help myself grow.

Only you can help yourself blossom. 🥀

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There is no backstage crew behind closed curtains.

I find myself at a loss for words as I stand here at my mother’s kitchen island and write this out. I’m just baffled, tongue-tied and all-around confused at last weeks events. Like, I just want to go “this was the worse week ever!!!!” but it wasn’t the worse week it was just a difficult week.

I’ve talked about how I work two jobs and so far everything is going great, or was, going great until this past week. (Last Saturday to be exact) My primary job is short-handed and between 5 other people and I, rotate shifts each day. No one person has the same day off and they are spread out heavily throughout the week. Which that alone is very stressful and I don’t want to be that person that goes “I work two jobs I would love just one day off” so I keep my mouth shut and just bite the bullet. My work schedules stack on one another thankfully so when I have a day off it’s from both jobs. But that’s beside the point here, I don’t complain at either jobs and I come into work happy and ready to get things done.

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I started drafting this yesterday after work because I wanted to post something. I knew I had to share something yet I find myself all over the place. Like, I’ve found myself with my blog where I want to post for views but I’ve never been that way before. I want to post things in hope someone will find it useful? Yet all the other blogs I read, comment, interact with and overall adore? They don’t do that. They write about their day, goals, what happened and more and have no problem what so ever. And that’s why I adore them so much, yet here I am struggling to be perfect when I’m not perfect.

I’ve been keeping myself up for over the last two weeks. It’s been nonstop working and I can’t find a moment for myself and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. All I know is that I want about 4-6 days off to myself to whatever it is I want. Whether that’s to sleep and eat all those days, read, binge watch tv, crochet, paint or whatever!! It is!!! I want that time to myself. I’m tired now. So very tired and I don’t want to do much of anything right now. My work is nothing, it’s temporary to make myself feel good when I’m ready to go out and shop for things I don’t fucking need. I want to give back and I am that makes me feel great also but at the end of the day??? I’m left with only me and my hard stern feelings at night. My relationship is a joke, my library books are overdue, my toenails need to be done I just want endless iced coffee, and I just want to be alone.

I’ve realized that many people come to me for help and I never have a me. I don’t have another me to go too and ask for help when I need it because no one will tell me the things I need to hear. No one will tell me to my face what’s going on and what would be the healthy way to handle situations or tell me to take my meds and remind me to drink water… at the end of the day it’s just me. Me struggling with my own problems and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

How to deal with pent up emotions?

Yesterday I started drafting this wild post about my day. Wild as in all over the place with no sense behind it. I was angry yesterday, angry and annoyed and ready to blow. I’ve never felt such anger that my teeth quivered and my hands clenched. Pure genuine anger; gross.

I can’t tell you why I felt that way, I knew I was annoyed though and I knew why I was annoyed. I was taking everything said to me at work personally. I was openly annoyed at others and I was openly rude too. I wanted everyone to see how annoyed I was. I didn’t want to overwork myself but I was. I watched as managers just sat on their phones while I struggled to complete the daily tasks. So yeah, of course I felt angry over that. I was trying everything I could to pass the time so I could leave.

I’m a bad story teller, sorry guys! I got lucky and was able to leave early thanks to my sisters. The best part about me coming out and getting help and learning all that I’ve learned is that my family is learning also. They learn how to help me and how to talk to me. They don’t go overboard anymore like they use too and they don’t playfully call each other names. As soon as I told my sisters I wanted to go home they helped me out in leaving early. No questions, no whiny comments, and no one making fun of me. I was grateful.

My sister bought me this beautiful princess Mononoke shirt as she did a Christmas shop at my second job. All of my pent up anger and annoyance just vanished. I felt saved in that two hour adventure. I forgot all of my emotions and what I was overthinking throughout the day. I forgot why I was even upset in the first place! But it all ended as soon as I came home.

I wanted to be productive and keep the good feelings going, but I lost it. God I hated it. I sat in self loathing for hours until I finally told myself to get up and do anything, so I baked.

I made a few things to give our to friends, coworkers and loved ones. I don’t want to spoil it all so I’m going to talk about my sugar cookies. I’ve never baked anything from scratch. Baking always intimidated me, for in the past I’ve always messed something up. I was never patient. However, last night I said “oh well this is what I want to do!” I found an easy recipe online and took my time. They came out soft, chewy, delicious and perfect. I was up until midnight baking things. I felt happy, joyful, noticed and had a wonderful time all around.

So what did I learn?

Right now I can’t tell you what I’ve learned. I know I’m working hard, and I know I’m holding people to high expectations. I’ve yet to learn how to deal with this.

How can I help myself?

I think I need to do better in taking care of myself. Lately I’ve been eating less throughout the day, and find myself hungry at random times. So I’ll pack more snacks. I think I need to apply more meditation and self reflection journals throughout my day. I also need to cut out the sugary drinks too! If I want coffee it needs to be the less sugary ones. I need to get to bed earlier also. My bedtime is usually 10:30-11:00, I’m thinking it should be at least 9:30-10:00.

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Is there such a thing as being over-productive?

If you’ve been following me this far I’ve always spoke about taking care of yourself. If you need a break take it. If you need to eat but feel guilt or you “don’t have enough time” eat anyways. Drink water, lots and lots of water. Do something that makes you happy because at the end of the day you’ll stop and think about “why didn’t I do (x) today?” I’m that advocate at the rally that is obnoxiously screaming with my face painted and too many signs stuck to my body. Taking care of yourself is the key to a healthy life, I’ve realized this now

But I’m also working with being productive, because I see production as a subsection for “self care”. I personally can see the difference and I know my limits. (At least I like to think I know my limits) but I can’t help and lump them together sometimes. You every had the urge to do something but you just didn’t know what to do? So you’re stuck with some pent up energy and no idea on how to channel it? However, you have an idea on what you want to do but decide not too?? I’ve talked about this before and I’m slowly realizing this pattern. Some people call it laziness others call it procrastination. I can’t put a word to it because I’ve done both.. and can’t tell the difference in the two.

What I mean is, I either become restless with things to do or I’m lazy. If I don’t setup my day or at least challenge myself to do something Productive that doesn’t require me to curl up on the loft couch in front of the tv- I’ve felt I’ve done something worthy. Yet here I am.. curled up on the loft couch in front of the TV and my phone playing animal crossing pocket camp & kingdom hearts unchained X. I’m slowly molding myself back into an old habit I don’t want. Video games in the past was my comfort zone. I would drop reality just to play video games because that’s what, I’m a sense, ground me. Ground me into a virtual fantasy world that I couldn’t give up. I feel some of these strings being pulled but a good 90% of me is like “nah let’s do something else”.

I work two jobs, 40-50 hour weeks now. It’s the holidays also! I’ve started an Etsy shop to help make more money (and because the experience is really exciting) so I can treat my loved ones with goodies that will make them happy. So I can pay for school and get my own car and eventually get my own place. Working… is my productivity right now. I don’t have a balance of taking care of myself and working. I mean, I’m tackling it the best that I can but I find myself on the couch watching tv instead of reading a book. Or I’m on the couch snaking or having a meal more than once. Now that I wrote this all down.. I can see I’m being too hard on myself. Pushing myself to do more with myself isn’t what I want. I have limits! I. Have. Limits. I can rest and if this is how I want to rest up that’s ok!

Who cares if you haven’t touched your bullet journal in a week? Who cares if you didn’t read a little bit? Who cares that you’re only doing the bare minimum on your Japanese studies? WHO CARES if you’re playing some games???? No one. No ones cares about how you take care of yourself. Only you care. Reminding yourself that it’s ok to do what you want is key to a healthy life.

Taking coworkers too seriously.

I’m taking a bathroom break just so I can write this. I’m feeling those ugly feelings like I use too a few months ago. I’m taking offense, I’m getting agitated and having this overpowering feeling to snap at certain people. I’m just so quick to get irritated and annoyed by everything. I don’t want to feel that way, never again.

I’m going to find myself soon into this spiral of negativity if I continue to indulging on myself the way I am. So here is a quick list of my “bad habits”.

• Cold shoulder
• Short responses
• Verbal sighs
• Uncontrollable facial expressions
• Verbally annoyed

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So I had to rush back to work as I was drafting this post, so here I am finishing it up.

I will tell you right now that I was defiantly taking offense from a coworker. I know she meant no harm to me and was just like “hey FYI” but I literally gave her the cold shoulder all shift. I even snapped at her a few times, but when my store manager came in I flipped like a switch and totally forgot why I was even angry with the other girl. Stupid, am I right?

I still don’t understand why I was so ugly towards this girl. She honestly did nothing wrong. Yes, I do get annoyed with her in general because she doesn’t work hard enough for my standards. Maybe that’s why? Because I feel like she doesn’t work hard enough she shouldn’t be talking to me?

Should I be more open at work? I mean I’m already honest, I do what I’m told and more. I mind my business as well but I can’t keep up with how I’m acting when I don’t like something. Should I just take a breather? I’m scared if I do that then my anxiety will act up and I’ll just start to overthink on unrealistic things.

Things to work on/try

• Take a break – walk away from the situation and just breath it out. Or write it out and just vent in my notes.
• Talk more – instead of sitting on my tongue I should express myself a bit more. Don’t blow up of course, but ask more questions on how to improve instead of taking it as a “bad thing”.
• Calm down- I’m thinking this should go with taking a break because I can take a moment to just breath, have some water and even do a 2 minutes meditation.

I’m working on the whole “let go and move on” part of life and I think it’s going very well so far. I do let go of things at work and I let things go at home. I move on and I think I’m being very mature about it all. But my feelings for work and those people clearly haven’t moved on.

Happy death day

Ive been very sleepy here the last few days and I’m not sure why. Had to be some things I’m eating, because I’m drinking plenty of water. Anyways, I’m very sleepy now and I wanted to share how my day went before I ended it. 

I didn’t plan on going to the movies today. I woke up, put on my new eyeshadow (which I just LOVE) and felt very good today. (Last night I punched a bag for 30 minutes and that made me feel ever better this morning) I wasn’t staring at the clock while at work like I usually do. Instead I just had nice conversations with my store manager as we both rotated between the cleaning tasks of the day. 

Two hours before my shift ended, I really had to pee. It’s a good walk too the public restrooms so I went into the movie theater instead. They are always so nice to us. As I was leaving I checked the listings JUST to see. And right there in front of me was a showing of ‘Happy Death Day’ at 6:20pm. I laughed it off, but I told myself “let’s see it today”. I’ve been feeling weird about coming home. I just don’t want to be there. So as I was leaving around 6:10 I stopped to entertain the idea. Why not go? I could kill a few hours before going home. No one would even notice. So with my work uniform still on, I skipped happily over to Harkins and bought myself a ticket. I didn’t even care about anything. All of my worries and stress ditched me as soon as I said ‘a tick for your showing..’ I was gitty and lightweight. I’ve never been to the movies by myself. Shoot I’ve never even had food by myself in public before. But tonight I wanted to do it. 

It was just me and two others in the theater. I was a bit surprised by the lack of bodies but at the same time I didn’t care. I could do what I wanted without disturbing anyone. Having that kind of freedom was nice. And I just snuggled in with my sodie and popcorn in tow. It was like I was home. I “washed” my hands with sanitized before eating my popcorn. I propped my feet up and just endulged myself with so much self love I was almost drunk. I couldn’t stop wondering what I could do next that could be this exciting. 

Fast forward to now, I came home cleaning up the kitchen (ate some dinner since all I had today was some Mac and cheese and popcorn) washed my face/teeth/floss (I started using mouthwash this week as well). And now In bed ready to sleep off everything else. 

This is honestly a day I won’t ever forget. Don’t be terrified to go out by yourself. You won’t regret it. 

(Bonus photo of me before work today!)

Header photo via google images