I would like to take a moment to day thank you to you all whom read this and my posts. I’ve noticed I honestly just write to feel better. Getting my thoughts and feelings into words was such a struggle for me in the past. I don’t know what I feared back then.. All I know is that its gone. The fear. I’ve always felt a type of freedom when I wrote. So thank you for letting me ramble and vent while I continue to find myself. It truly means the world to me. Thank you!
Whatever limbo I found myself in last week is gone this week. The darkness and its friends just took off. I’m grateful they finally left. That was defiantly “Torment” difficulty in a game mode I don’t ever want to play again. I shouldn’t have spoke to soon, because as I was writing this on my tablet I found the positive energy to get on my desktop to finish writing this. So I gathered all my ritual belongings I take with me everywhere up the stairs to the loft and plumbed myself down in from of this screen.
I don’t have a “routine” or anything when it comes to logging on my computer. I check all my social medias on my phone when I wake up in the morning, along with my emails. However today I found myself logging on to facebook and announcing that I was having a good morning.
I opened up all the tabs that I wanted to be in so I wouldn’t forget to check or update any of them. I engaged with some friends whom where really happy for me and my good day and then suddenly I couldn’t breath. My head was filled and overflowing with all these thoughts that I can’t even make out now. I ran back down the stairs and fell on the bed and cried on my boyfriends back. I was chanting “i’m ok” as I hugged him tighter and tighter. I was throwing him off guard as well as myself. He’s trying to get me to talk, asking me to calm down and tell him. I can’t figure it out. I can’t see what it was that got me so worked up. I had no triggers.. no one said nothing to me that made me feel anything negative. So what was it? When I sat up I couldn’t stop shaking my head back and forth, chanting “it was nothing” to myself over and over and over again. Even writing this out I can’t find out what it was. “It was too much.” I said. I had overwhelmed myself with “things to do” which has to be the only explanation.
Today is Monday, the started of a new week. Exactly 7 days from now I will be returning to work. Back into the “adult world”. I feel ready enough to join back into civilization but I don’t want to go. This was one of the thoughts I had while opening up a YouTube tab to listen to some calming music. Which I don’t do at all might I add- listen to music. However today I wanted to try and take my mind off the silence and create some kind of white noise. Music has too much of an emotional stick to it and everything I have on my playlists aren’t recent songs. I don’t want to remember all those feelings I had. So I just listened to some OSTs from some video games I enjoy. I couldn’t find the one I was actually looking for, and I was getting frustrated. I felt as my legs started to ache and I was sweating. (I sweat buckets on the daily actually) I was fidgeting in my seat, really building up this frustration. And when I found it finally I anticipated relief. As I go to click the play button I was ready to have the flush of pent up energy to leave me. It didn’t. I’m bouncing around still flipping through my bullet journal and I noticed I didn’t even write out this weeks spread. How could I forget this? I have so many things I need to do- I can’t forget anything! It’s just.. the only thing I remember is me wanting to go to the library and how I needed to post on this blog here. Nothing else came into view. Not a single thought or image. Nothing. When just seconds ago I was thinking about drawing some pieces for my blog posts, and what imaged I wanted to use in this specific blog post. How I can be productive reading ‘Fight Club’ and doing come chores around the house. I was drained of it all.
I still don’t know what to tell my boyfriend. Shoot I don’t even know what to tell myself except to back track to 4:46am and relax. I need to do something calming and distracting. I need to be mindful of me in this moment. Assess the situation:
“I don’t feel good.”
“What doesn’t feel good?”
“Ok, lets do something to get your mind off it.”
I’m taking a moment to smile because I didn’t know this is what I needed until I wrote it out. I need to take a moment and get in touch with my mind and body and see what she needs. What do I need right now to calm down? To relax? I’m going down the list I had made in my head and in my bullet journal: I had some water, I ate that burrito I forgot in the microwave, I reached out to someone to vent. And.. now what? More food I think. Food has always made me feel better. Which is probably why I gained all the weight I have LOL! I’m ok with it though. Food is amazing. And at this point I would put on Grey’s Anatomy while eating said food and take my mind off it. Until I felt the positive energy come back to me. The energy I need to get back on the horse and ride on.
P.S: As soon as I wrote “Boom” to end this post, my boyfriend showed up with food and asked to eat it all with me. ❤
CREDIT: The header image of “coffee break” is not mine. Credit to this blog post here.