Keep going; it’s just a step.

So I did a super exciting vlog today that I can’t stop thinking about. You ever have those moments when you learn something new and you just want everyone to know about it? Like, everyone everyone. And that’s exactly how I feel right now.

I found a moment of understanding last night as I was writing down more ideas for future posts and YouTube videos. I didn’t think about what I would say or anything, just topics I wanted to discuss. So to my surprise, this morning as I told myself “it’s time to record” I just knew instantly. However I was getting ahead of myself. I wanted to try and do a morning routine that I set up with my newly made habit tracker. So let me recap quickly.

Saturday night I had made a very long list in my notes app about what I would like to accomplish not only on Sunday but throughout the week. I woke up yesterday in the early morning and I told myself “alright, lets do”. However I didn’t do much of anything on the list. I spent the whole day making these awesome printables! (That you can download here)

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I made a new YouTube header and I made me a new phone screensaver. Boom. That was all of my day. I wanted to clean and do a bit more- however I didn’t. And that’s ok. I didn’t feel pressured by this list one bit. Because I knew I had time to complete it when I was ready. It wasn’t just my “Sunday list”. It was also my “weekly list” and that feels great to say. I didn’t feel pressured by my to-do list. I didn’t feel overwhelmed to complete everything in one day.

Which leads up to today. Today I woke up and I knew I had to get started on my YouTube videos. However I didn’t want to jump right into them. I was still waking up and my body didn’t want to leave the bed. So as I gathered myself up out of bed I started small. “Make coffee.” Boom. On to the next. And as I’m sitting there looking into my closet on what I want to wear, I noticed I didn’t do anything yet. I noticed myself skipping ahead, and I didn’t like that. So I just continued looking into my closet until I found something to wear. And then it hit me. I have this cool app that can help me stay focused. It’s called “Forest” and you set a timer to where you don’t look at your phone, and as the timer is going you in turn grow a tree! If you close out of the app, you kill the tree you were growing. And that seriously helped. (I have a future post about this app so no spoilers!) I set it for 25 minutes and I did everything I wanted to do before recording.

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I started the laundry, I made the bed, vacuumed my room, organized my shelves. Brushed my teeth and hair. Took my daily medication and my vitamins all in 25 minutes. And as soon as my app pinged to let me know my tree was done growing- I felt that good feeling. The good feelings that grew into a good day. And here I am now. Writing this out to you. I recorded my 22minute vlog about how I realized that everything is ok, as long as you know it’s ok. How you can invest all the underappreciated things in your life to make it a better one. And I felt even more excited that I have a great day ahead of me.

(You can find my vlog here! )

 

And as I was talking and talking the more I felt good. The more I wanted to jump right into the next thing I had planned and just keep going. It’s a great feeling to see yourself do just one tiny thing that makes you feel like you can do anything. Because that’s exactly how I feel. As though I could do anything. I have one other video planned for today so I need to work on that. And I also need to post “Week eight” for last weeks therapy visit. I have a ton I want to talk about from that session. So cheers, please remember that you are awesome, that you are TRYING and to keep going.

Week seven; Good job, you played yourself.

I’m very late on this post, so I apologize in advanced. If you’ve been following me for this long thank you. New readers welcome! I visit a therapist once a week and these are my weekly write ups. My notes and experiences with a therapist. However I’m late on this post, as I previously said. This should have been done last week. Better late then never though!

As I’ve ranted before last week was my first week back at work. Which caused me to be all over the place. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go out and be an “adult”. I just wanted to sit at home as I am now, and write. Writing helps me understand myself better and I love it. Doing research and looking out into the internet.. I’m learning so much. And I feel like it’s being taken away. I just want to stay in lalaland.

Recap said and done now, this is exactly how this sess went. Happy house was excited to hear about my first week back, and I was happy to talk about it also. However I had this ugly burning sensation sitting in that familiar couch cushion. It tingled in my spine as I sunk deeper into the safety of the room. And as he started asking me how the week was, that burning sensation traveled into my chest. What I hate most about these sessions is that I can never forget the physical pain. We can talk and talk and talk and never remember anything spoken. However the feelings and physical pain… never leaves.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I released all my fears and how I knew I was going to end up quitting. I’ve gone through this many times and I knew the triggers. I was grateful for an easy start but then it got to wild, to quick. And I hated that. I felt different. I felt like everyone knew what happened to me and that my breakdown was just “work related” when it wasn’t. I felt like everyone was whispering about me and laughing behind my back as I did my job. Like I was always being watched. Even thought I tried to breath, it’s like I forgot everything that I was practicing for (my guided meditation practices). And my mind knows how to pull strings. Thinking that everyone knew my struggles and how I couldn’t remember my breathing, they all silently made fun of me more. And I didn’t want that. So on Tuesday as an opportunity presented itself- I dove in. I let everyone know that I wasn’t going to be dealing with any nonsense and things will be going my way. No questions asked. Although, as soon as I spoke it out loud I didn’t feel anything good. I felt no positive, triumphant, or warm burst of energy. I felt lifeless, and full of air. Which made me feel exhausted. And as I’m sitting there on the verge of tears yet again, telling him all of these fears I notice he takes a breath.

He’s telling me some information about how he thinks yoga could help me. I am a person whose whole mood can change if I don’t sleep enough and he’s noticed this. He says that this class is kinda expensive but it could possibly work for me. The instructor is a woman who not only teaches yoga, but she teaches meditation and teaches other yoga instructors. I was interested. However she’s based 30 minutes away from me, and I have terrible commitment issues. Especially if they are more then 10 minutes away. I’ve always been that way. I appreciated the info non the less and I hope to try it out. I’ll have her contact info at this weeks (eight) session.

Going back to the sleep topic, he also believes that I need to focus more on a nightly routine. Once again I’ve never been “timely” organized as an adult. So this is more of a challenge then I thought it would be. I’m too focused on finishing up whatever task I’m doing before bed, that when I’m past bedtime I don’t even think about spending that 15-20 minutes to help me rest easy. I jump right into bed and then think about how I didn’t do something so simple as my nightly routine. I beat myself up over it and then it causes me to toss and turn and hate myself. However I can’t find myself getting out of bed to do it. I’m also not a morning person. I can’t stand waking up bright and early just to “do” things in the day. I’m conflicted here because I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I enjoy waking up with a clear head thinking “cool, I have nothing holding me back today”. No immediate tasks need my attention. And I feel free to actually wake up and do whatever it is I want to do. Oops, I’m getting off topic. Anyways, I don’t do well with waking up early and I can’t stick to my routines.

So his only advice was for me to try and find some routines that work for me, and that I needed to find things that could help me sleep. I have nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up almost a dozen times a night and I don’t get any rest anymore. So it affects me throughout the day. Right now as I’m writing this, I’m exhausted because once again I didn’t sleep. And once again, I didn’t go to work because I didn’t want to have a bad day, from not getting a good nights sleep. I’m spoon feeding myself negativity at this point. I’m not trying. I’m not giving myself a shot to just work through it. Because I’ve already made up my mind. As I said in the beginning. I don’t want to work anymore. And I can’t help myself here.

Our session was cut short in my opinion. I was the last client of the day, so we cut out 10 minutes early so he could go home. And I get it, I’ve done it before. I was just so heart broken. I wanted to just stay on the couch and lay down in hopes that I could find happiness. But before we said good bye, I had asked him why.

“Why can’t I be normal and go to work and take care of responsibilities like everyone else? Why am I so different? “

He didn’t even twitch or breath. He just stared at me.

“It’s ok to feel that way.”

I started crying again as I walked out the door. That soft but dense latch from him locking the door rung in my ears.

Routine, learn to wake up, and it’s ok. I’m throwing my hands in the air.

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Work place gossip; better then week one.

Today is Monday that feels like a… Monday. That’s a disappointment in itself actually. However I am ok with it. Have to be accepting and grateful either way.

Today- as I felt last week. I was exhausted and did NOT want to go. I’ve been debating and debating and debating with myself since last Thursday about what I wanted to do.. for work. As I mentioned in this post here  I’m not ready to give up all that free time I had when I was on LOA. The happy house said something along the likes of “no punishment when you procrastinate” and it made sense. I knew I had a luxury of doing whatever I wanted and take as long as I wanted to get it done. That felt great. And I miss that.

Moving on though, today was one of those days. I did NOT sleep last night and I kept waking up all through out the night. I woke up an hour before work, which is not something I use to do. However I’m really trying to really make due with what I have for right now. Thankfully I was able to breath when needed today, and took everything one step at a time. I use to just rush myself to finish jobs and I told myself it wouldn’t be like that anymore. After reading this article about workplace wellness it helped me confirm that I was unhappy. And that’s ok. Because I have to be accepting. I have to understand my limits and learn to do things differently. Rewiring the brain for everything you use to do in your life is the biggest challenge to face. Last week I shut myself down and said “no”. And since I’m not in a position anymore to continue to say no- I have to learn to stand up and make the changes I want and be comfortable at work.

I want to return to school and get a degree and a career doing something I love and that really excites me. However I’m not there yet. I put it down temporary because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. And that’s ok too. I have to get my ducks in line and establish a living before school. It sounds sheep-ly to say, however.. it’s how I feel. I don’t want to back track again, so that’s the only goal I have going for me right now. Don’t think so much and just keep going. We can work out kinks later, ya know?

I got off topic again. Just a quiet day of doing everything at my own pace and not letting anyone say differently. Sorry, I’m not so passionate talking about a retail job. I just hope to share whatever I learn to help others cope.. because I know quite a few that can’t. Shucks I can’t, so I’m def apart of that group. This week will be hard for me but I’m ready for it. I have some ideas that I really want to work on and I hope y’all continue to follow me through it all.

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Need peaceful music to get to sleep? Try this relaxing music out!

 

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