Week seven; Good job, you played yourself.

I’m very late on this post, so I apologize in advanced. If you’ve been following me for this long thank you. New readers welcome! I visit a therapist once a week and these are my weekly write ups. My notes and experiences with a therapist. However I’m late on this post, as I previously said. This should have been done last week. Better late then never though!

As I’ve ranted before last week was my first week back at work. Which caused me to be all over the place. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go out and be an “adult”. I just wanted to sit at home as I am now, and write. Writing helps me understand myself better and I love it. Doing research and looking out into the internet.. I’m learning so much. And I feel like it’s being taken away. I just want to stay in lalaland.

Recap said and done now, this is exactly how this sess went. Happy house was excited to hear about my first week back, and I was happy to talk about it also. However I had this ugly burning sensation sitting in that familiar couch cushion. It tingled in my spine as I sunk deeper into the safety of the room. And as he started asking me how the week was, that burning sensation traveled into my chest. What I hate most about these sessions is that I can never forget the physical pain. We can talk and talk and talk and never remember anything spoken. However the feelings and physical pain… never leaves.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I released all my fears and how I knew I was going to end up quitting. I’ve gone through this many times and I knew the triggers. I was grateful for an easy start but then it got to wild, to quick. And I hated that. I felt different. I felt like everyone knew what happened to me and that my breakdown was just “work related” when it wasn’t. I felt like everyone was whispering about me and laughing behind my back as I did my job. Like I was always being watched. Even thought I tried to breath, it’s like I forgot everything that I was practicing for (my guided meditation practices). And my mind knows how to pull strings. Thinking that everyone knew my struggles and how I couldn’t remember my breathing, they all silently made fun of me more. And I didn’t want that. So on Tuesday as an opportunity presented itself- I dove in. I let everyone know that I wasn’t going to be dealing with any nonsense and things will be going my way. No questions asked. Although, as soon as I spoke it out loud I didn’t feel anything good. I felt no positive, triumphant, or warm burst of energy. I felt lifeless, and full of air. Which made me feel exhausted. And as I’m sitting there on the verge of tears yet again, telling him all of these fears I notice he takes a breath.

He’s telling me some information about how he thinks yoga could help me. I am a person whose whole mood can change if I don’t sleep enough and he’s noticed this. He says that this class is kinda expensive but it could possibly work for me. The instructor is a woman who not only teaches yoga, but she teaches meditation and teaches other yoga instructors. I was interested. However she’s based 30 minutes away from me, and I have terrible commitment issues. Especially if they are more then 10 minutes away. I’ve always been that way. I appreciated the info non the less and I hope to try it out. I’ll have her contact info at this weeks (eight) session.

Going back to the sleep topic, he also believes that I need to focus more on a nightly routine. Once again I’ve never been “timely” organized as an adult. So this is more of a challenge then I thought it would be. I’m too focused on finishing up whatever task I’m doing before bed, that when I’m past bedtime I don’t even think about spending that 15-20 minutes to help me rest easy. I jump right into bed and then think about how I didn’t do something so simple as my nightly routine. I beat myself up over it and then it causes me to toss and turn and hate myself. However I can’t find myself getting out of bed to do it. I’m also not a morning person. I can’t stand waking up bright and early just to “do” things in the day. I’m conflicted here because I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I enjoy waking up with a clear head thinking “cool, I have nothing holding me back today”. No immediate tasks need my attention. And I feel free to actually wake up and do whatever it is I want to do. Oops, I’m getting off topic. Anyways, I don’t do well with waking up early and I can’t stick to my routines.

So his only advice was for me to try and find some routines that work for me, and that I needed to find things that could help me sleep. I have nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up almost a dozen times a night and I don’t get any rest anymore. So it affects me throughout the day. Right now as I’m writing this, I’m exhausted because once again I didn’t sleep. And once again, I didn’t go to work because I didn’t want to have a bad day, from not getting a good nights sleep. I’m spoon feeding myself negativity at this point. I’m not trying. I’m not giving myself a shot to just work through it. Because I’ve already made up my mind. As I said in the beginning. I don’t want to work anymore. And I can’t help myself here.

Our session was cut short in my opinion. I was the last client of the day, so we cut out 10 minutes early so he could go home. And I get it, I’ve done it before. I was just so heart broken. I wanted to just stay on the couch and lay down in hopes that I could find happiness. But before we said good bye, I had asked him why.

“Why can’t I be normal and go to work and take care of responsibilities like everyone else? Why am I so different? “

He didn’t even twitch or breath. He just stared at me.

“It’s ok to feel that way.”

I started crying again as I walked out the door. That soft but dense latch from him locking the door rung in my ears.

Routine, learn to wake up, and it’s ok. I’m throwing my hands in the air.

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Why I do, what I want to do; About me VLOG!

Hey guys!

This isn’t that far in depth about my life personally, just some moments I had that really impacted me. And I wanted to share that with y’all. I will produce one about my depression also, but since my anxiety was a big part of my life I just had too.

 

My co-host Jaja has been a huge part of me the last few months and he’s made me think about getting into an emotional support animal(s). I’ve been doing research as well on how to become a trainer for therapy animals. So weird how much love I have for him, can make me think. Love u yaya. ❤

Thanks for watching!

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Week six: Give in just a little bit.

I know I say this a lot. However I found myself in some rough slumps last week. Before my eye opening post, I had shared a few days ago.

I arrived at the happy house almost distraught. I was extremely anxious and completely shut out from the world. In the waiting room I felt as though everyone was watching me as I sat underneath the TV that was hosting Spongebob, again. Greasy hair and               un-brushed teeth I sunk deep into the cushion hoping no one noticed I didn’t do those things. Twitchy and rocking back and forth I sat and sat and sat for what felt like forever. Until someone called my name, and there he was. Standing there peering through the door frame was the one I desperately wanted to see. Without skipping a beat we greeted one another like we always do, shake hands and smile. I was shaking the whole time.

On the verge of tears I sat down yet again into a couch- on the edge of it though. I wanted to feel something. A sense of fear or maybe even just being aware that I was on the edge and could fall off it any moment. However I never felt neither of them. As my body grew heavy I once again sunk into the edge without any fear or realization that’s what I was doing. Just moved on from the though, with a tapping foot. Fiddling with my hands still on the verge of tears, my face red from what I think was confusion and embarrassment. Even though I desperately wanted to belch my soul I found no words to come. I couldn’t form a single thought, or a sentence for that matter. And  after what felt like hours, he finally spoke.

“How are you doing today Faith?”

Open the flood gates. Leaning back I breathed in sharply as my body refused to speak. Because no words wanted to come. Nothing, once again nothing made sense to me. And I couldn’t do it. Even typing this out now, the feelings that I had that day still linger and I want to cry all over again. From the indescribable pain that I felt. It’s like on presentation day, when you have to stand up in front of the whole class and you have to explain your presentation board or read your book report out loud. And as you stand there, clearing your throat and shifting your weight from one foot to another; looking into the crowd. Waiting for the right moment to speak. And for a split second you are sweaty and clear your throat one more time, as a signal to your brain that it’s time to talk. However nothing comes. You’re just standing there in front of everyone choking. But.. don’t know how to tell them you are. So you think “maybe they know I’m choking. Oh god they can see it, I know they can.” So you clear your throat for the last time and with trembling words you begin to sputter them out. You’re stuttering even though you know clearly what to say from the digital prompt in your head. It’s just your throat and voice box disagree and refuse to work. Called out for the day. I felt all of that in that two minute span of me sitting down on that couch, just waiting for that moment to come. Nothing did.

So as I coughed and cleared my throat over and over and over again that light in my therapists face fled. And I started to cry because he knew I was choking. And I knew that he knew it. So with caution and a tenderhearted voice he asked me if it was ok if we did a guided meditation. I nodded, and there it was. My moment. “O-o-o-kay. S–su-sure. I’d like t-t-t-t-t-” breaths in sharply once more “that”. As he’s dimming the lights he gets on his chair with the wheels. I can feel the vibrations as he sits down in it, and rolls around. The hardwood floors making the tiniest sounds of rejection as he continues to go back and forth from his desktop to his notebook. An ad plays while the YouTube video starts up and he chuckles just the slightest, which makes me smile too. “Darn ads.” he whispers. And I silently nod in my head in agreement. I’ve closed my eyes at this point. Wanting to just escape this moment and listen to the sounds around me. And as the video begins I mentally note how I leave my body. My eyelids were like concrete. Sealed and dried over ready to be driven on. My face relaxes and the tension that I didn’t know I had lets go. It was like that specific couch cushion had a secret trap door into another world and I was calmly reclined into it. Where all I could see was trees and a the sounds of birds fluttering. The faint sounds of gushing water over rocks, and the sound of grass swaying in the wind. That inner peace that no one talks about. I let go. I let this woman’s’ voice transport me into a realm of my deepest dreams. And it was beautiful.

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As the guided meditation came to an end, I found myself disappointed. In that inner peace of  burning blissfulness where it felt almost endless- it violently ended. What felt like months simply turned into 5 minutes. Cracking the cement off my eyes felt like the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. My eyes were watery like they always are when I’m done meditating. However this time, it felt different. I was sad. And as I stared once again at the white walls around me I felt something so indescribable.

“How do you feel?”

“I don’t know.”

Shifting his weight once again, I found myself aware of my surroundings. Realistically this time. I breathed in another deep breath and I muttered “I don’t know how to describe it.” And then it was his turn to breath in. Which he’s told me from before that sometimes he needs a moment to be aware of his clients and his surroundings too. Take a moment to think about your response. And that’s what he was doing.

“You’ve done better before. What makes today different?”

“I don’t know how to describe my feelings.”

“Ok, but you don’t need to do that right now. Just start small and say whatever it is you’re thinking.”

“Empty.” I said speaking over him. “I feel empty.”

And he took another breath. “Ok. That’s a start. Good.” writing down whatever it is he begins to nod. I just stared at him emotionless. My body not sure what to do, so she cries in frustration. He hands me tissues once again. “Why do you think you feel empty?” he asks after a long moment. “I don’t know. I have no meaning I think.” And he nods again. An hour goes by so fast when you’re not paying attention. Or when you’re so wrapped up in whatever project, event, task, chore, whatever it is- that has your focus. It just zooms by. As we continued going back and worth; him with the super long questions and me with my two word reply he finally says something that made a click inside of me.

“It’s ok to feel that way. Just remember it’s the depression.”

It’s just the depression. And guess what, I don’t remember anything else from that session. I believe we as humans only want to remember- what we want to. Like when someone is talking and they say something and it triggers you instantly to talk over them. Because whatever it was that they said, it was the only thing you wanted to hear. So the rest of their speech goes out the window. Because you only wanted to believe that one thing. Like in arguments. You cling to the point of what they are mad at. So when they try to explain why they are mad you tune them out. Stirring up your own angry pot with their words. You’ve done it. We all have. And that’s what happened in this session. I only heard what I wanted to hear.

As I was hustling out the front door into my car, I didn’t speed off like I usually do. I sat there once again. Feeling trapped. I didn’t want to move or do anything anymore. I just wanted to sit there with an empty mind and not do anything. It was less then a minute though of me sitting there. I felt like everyone was watching me as I breathed in and out. Watching the sun set around me a flicker of peace had sprouted. Although it soon died as I drove off to go home.

I haven’t seen many movies where they reference therapy sessions. And I just wanted to say this.. that not all sessions are “good”. Not all are going to be about talking back and worth and really engaging with whatever it is that you wanna talk about. Sometimes the happy house people will do all the talking. Sometimes you will do exercises. Sometimes you will sit there not wanting to talk. Sometimes you will come in happy, and sometimes you will come in a complete mess like I did. Returning as a renewed person or a broken soul. It’s not about you laying on a couch while you cried about whatever it was that stressed you out, and that fake librarian looking person is head deep in a notebook going on and on about “Mmmmm. How’d that make you feel?”. It’s never like that. And the people you “think” you see going into these offices aren’t some ugly, no shower having, dirty cloths looking nobody. All the people I’ve seen in this office look so normal. With their makeup and perfume. Nice clean cloths.. and designer brands at that. They are smiling and waving like they have no problems. I shouldn’t get too far into it. This office does a wide variety. It has “family” in it’s name it for a reason. So it’s not something… or what I believe to be, something to do with an individual per say. But just couples issues. I know children come here too, I’ve seen plenty of them (that is why Spongebob is always on) and honestly, that doesn’t make me feel better. I never cared about it until that day when I did come in like that. Dirty and ugly and like a sore thumb. Like a weed that left unattended because that person was too lazy to pull it. Until it grew big and noticeably ugly. That was me. I was that ugly wallflower.

I didn’t learn anything either that day. I was just anxious and depressed and wanted to feel anything else but those. Sad to say I let them go for a moment that day.

Work place gossip; better then week one.

Today is Monday that feels like a… Monday. That’s a disappointment in itself actually. However I am ok with it. Have to be accepting and grateful either way.

Today- as I felt last week. I was exhausted and did NOT want to go. I’ve been debating and debating and debating with myself since last Thursday about what I wanted to do.. for work. As I mentioned in this post here  I’m not ready to give up all that free time I had when I was on LOA. The happy house said something along the likes of “no punishment when you procrastinate” and it made sense. I knew I had a luxury of doing whatever I wanted and take as long as I wanted to get it done. That felt great. And I miss that.

Moving on though, today was one of those days. I did NOT sleep last night and I kept waking up all through out the night. I woke up an hour before work, which is not something I use to do. However I’m really trying to really make due with what I have for right now. Thankfully I was able to breath when needed today, and took everything one step at a time. I use to just rush myself to finish jobs and I told myself it wouldn’t be like that anymore. After reading this article about workplace wellness it helped me confirm that I was unhappy. And that’s ok. Because I have to be accepting. I have to understand my limits and learn to do things differently. Rewiring the brain for everything you use to do in your life is the biggest challenge to face. Last week I shut myself down and said “no”. And since I’m not in a position anymore to continue to say no- I have to learn to stand up and make the changes I want and be comfortable at work.

I want to return to school and get a degree and a career doing something I love and that really excites me. However I’m not there yet. I put it down temporary because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. And that’s ok too. I have to get my ducks in line and establish a living before school. It sounds sheep-ly to say, however.. it’s how I feel. I don’t want to back track again, so that’s the only goal I have going for me right now. Don’t think so much and just keep going. We can work out kinks later, ya know?

I got off topic again. Just a quiet day of doing everything at my own pace and not letting anyone say differently. Sorry, I’m not so passionate talking about a retail job. I just hope to share whatever I learn to help others cope.. because I know quite a few that can’t. Shucks I can’t, so I’m def apart of that group. This week will be hard for me but I’m ready for it. I have some ideas that I really want to work on and I hope y’all continue to follow me through it all.

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Why I want to do- what I want to do. (Video included!!)

Hello everyone! I’ve finally made my first YouTube video!! (in terms of a video blog!!)  I hope to take this as far as I can and get everything out there. This is something I’ve always wanted to do- and I thought gaming would be my choice. However I never found the “passion” for it. I’m all for having a good time with video games- but I never had the time or equipment to really record myself playing video games.

This speaks more to me. This is something… I’ve been waiting for. And it’s here!

 

I can’t wait to share all sorts of things with y’all!! It’s going to be fun, and less ranting in my blog posts. 🙂

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