The most awkward situations are those when: someone is crying, someone is complaining and you disagree or when someone is having a melt down. Or at least, those are some of my awkward moments.
I found myself obsessing today, like I do a good few times… a day. It’s hard to ask for help, or ask someone to act a certain way when you are. You don’t want to come off as controlling, clingy or annoying. Right now, my mental illness owns me. Although I hope to one day own it. So for now, think of me as “background character Faith” because what you are dealing with is “mental illness Faith”. And she needs help, so background Faith can be back to being the star.
When I find myself obsessing I think of all the worse scenarios. And they get worse the more I think. It can start off as something very tiny, but in the end I make it out to be bigger then it actually was. I’ll start to whine, and ask questions. I’ll ask the same one, over and over. Usually in different ways but they are always the same question. Sooner or later I’ll notice I’m being annoying. Then I’ll start to review my scenarios while thinking how annoying I am. My mind is racing at this point. When I talk to someone I’ll start to analyze everything they say now. WHILE still thinking about the bad scenario and how annoying I am. I’ll talk myself into these bad habits and blame myself. “I’m the one that is wrong, they don’t like me.” I’ll overthink a response, which is the worst thing I could do. I let their answers affect me. For hours I will sit and let all these thoughts fester until I can’t take it anymore. My brain plays a movie with everything that had just happened on replay until it figures out how to apply every bad thought into it’s script. It festers into this weight lifting dumb bell, throwing itself all over my body. My chest will tighten up and get heavy, my stomach will clench my hands and legs trembling. I’ll feel like I’m losing my breath, but it’s because I can’t breath from the weight on my chest. I’ll get scared from not begin able to breath and start sobbing. All I can think about at this point is that I hope it ends soon. It will take a very long sobbing session for these overwhelming feelings and thoughts to end. Then I’ll reset, back to the beginning.
I’ve learned a few things though through this process. I’ve noticed personally that the ones I love most will have the heavier affect on me. I will twist their words and get angry and sad and lonely all at once. I will let their words linger on me like bad perfume for days. I will nitpick their actions towards me and cower in fear when I find myself upset. I think… it’s because I want them to understand more then anything. I don’t always feel this way, but the smallest things can change the outlook on a day in an instance. And when I get in the groove of a freak out I want them to know how to help me. It sounds so selfish, writing this. This goes back to what I was saying earlier. I feel utterly selfish and controlling and clingy. Telling someone how to act if I’m working myself up into a “fester sesh” is for my benefit. But I’m trying to power through this, in hopes some readers can relate and they can talk to their said loved one, or friend or whomever that gets like this. The overthinkers.
Starting out, I like to be touched. Comforted. I want someone to look me in the eye and listen. Scoop up every deranged thought that drips from my mouth. Nod and smile. (smile and wave boys, smile and wave) and hold my hand, squeeze it even. The pressure helps, just like being hugged tightly helps too. I don’t know why, but it just does. When I ask those same questions over and over don’t change your answer. Give me the same one, I wouldn’t care if you added more to it just always give me the same one. You can give me the truth though. Don’t sugar coat it for me, and don’t fake anything. What hurts the most is coming off as “don’t care” or “annoyed” or even “angry”. It’s all about someones tone of voice. I’ll usually shut down and leave/move on. I’ll bottle it all up and not want to talk for days. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the only way I know how to do things. I understand it’s not healthy and it’s stupid of me to act that way but it’s literally all I know to try and help myself. (I’ve learned if I ever felt that way that I wanted that person to bring the conversation back up and help talk me through it. Because I’ll obsess over it and overthink it all. When to them, it was probably just a normal conversation and they moved on from it. Didn’t even twice about it.)
Tell me it’s ok. Tell me that I’m overthinking it, and that it’s ok. Don’t ask me to think positive, don’t ask me to think about something else and defiantly don’t ask me to “get over it”. Don’t tell me “tomorrow is a new day!” Yes I know that. These to me are awkward moments. I don’t want to be spoken to like I don’t know these things. I’m not blind or deprived or incapacitated to these “good thoughts”. I know all those positive looks on life because I write them down each day as a reminder. They just don’t help me. Don’t go thinking now that you gotta hold someone and pat their head and just rock back and forth saying “it’s ok”. I like to think “the words will com naturally” depending on the topic that spared the “fester sesh”. Talking to me is the best part. Listening to someone will help negate all the bad thoughts, because I’ll just focus on your voice. It’s a distraction. I’ll let you lead the conversation and I’ll engage with you. Hopefully forgetting why I worked myself up in the first place. And then I’ll crash. Depending on the time of day I’ll feel at peace but very tired ready for a nap.
In conclusion: everyone is different but I hope this helps. I would love to know how others feel and what y’all learned when you have episodes.