I woke up with mild anxiety this morning. I think it has to do with my phone blowing up and not getting enough sleep last night. It was about 3am that I’m aware of before I was even able to sleep. And then suddenly 5 hours later the phone is ringing and buzzing and me silencing them, so voicemails and more pings. God it was annoying. I didn’t put on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode on in case of an actual important phone call.
The anxiety stayed, however. And it really etched into my day as it progressed. I felt as my stomach just tightened up and got heavy. Like this toxic dense piece of foreign material just wouldn’t go away. This kind of anxiety was more second hand anxiety though. I was trying to make someone feel better but it wasn’t working so I kept the anxiety for the both of us. I can manage it loads better than before, so I was trying to do what I could to at least help said person feel better. It didn’t work though.
I didn’t go to school today because of it, I wasn’t ready to go on and do things in the world. I’ve been hanging huge difficulties focusing in class but that’s just a health issue. The florescent lights on top of a bright computer screen monitor that cannot be adjusted because of admin settings makes me eyes strung out, which then bothers the rest of my body. Easy class, difficult sit time.
Today as whole was pretty weird. I was in this phase were I wanted to work but I was held back by procrastination. Or maybe laziness disguised as procrastination. I decided to study my Japanese first today before moving on to the school studies. I’ve been putting it off and I just couldn’t do that anymore. It took me about four + hours to just get a few phrases honestly. I was mostly shuffling back and forth from my notes because nothing made sense to me. (I put off my studies for too long!!) I managed to please myself enough to finally take a break to play video games.
( My desk as I attempted to study )
I’ve found it easier to focus on playing video games. Actually wait, let me start at the beginning. Video games was my go to happy place. It gave me the skill of invisibility as I would drop reality and lavish myself in the world of fantasy. I literally found myself unable to function for awhile and video games just gave me a sense of security. Once I realized that was literally unhealthy and I wanted to do things with myself I stopped all together. Playing the occasional iPhone games when I wanted to pass time, or if I found myself bored. Which is a huge leap considering I breath, and bled video games. Anyways, long story short (LOL) I wasn’t able to stay focused on videos games after that. I wanted to do other things while playing so I was constantly distracted, which made myself feel worse. But now that I know the difference, and now that I know how to manage I feel like I can play them as a reward! So that’s what I did. For like, two-three hours just smashing away on my 3DS. It was nice.
Now here I am in bed unable to sleep for god knows what reason at 1:14am. Anxiety is gone but my brain doesn’t want to shut off.
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