Tuesday Blues’

I woke up with mild anxiety this morning. I think it has to do with my phone blowing up and not getting enough sleep last night. It was about 3am that I’m aware of before I was even able to sleep. And then suddenly 5 hours later the phone is ringing and buzzing and me silencing them, so voicemails and more pings. God it was annoying. I didn’t put on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode on in case of an actual important phone call.

The anxiety stayed, however. And it really etched into my day as it progressed. I felt as my stomach just tightened up and got heavy. Like this toxic dense piece of foreign material just wouldn’t go away. This kind of anxiety was more second hand anxiety though. I was trying to make someone feel better but it wasn’t working so I kept the anxiety for the both of us. I can manage it loads better than before, so I was trying to do what I could to at least help said person feel better. It didn’t work though.

I didn’t go to school today because of it, I wasn’t ready to go on and do things in the world. I’ve been hanging huge difficulties focusing in class but that’s just a health issue. The florescent lights on top of a bright computer screen monitor that cannot be adjusted because of admin settings makes me eyes strung out, which then bothers the rest of my body. Easy class, difficult sit time.

Today as whole was pretty weird. I was in this phase were I wanted to work but I was held back by procrastination. Or maybe laziness disguised as procrastination. I decided to study my Japanese first today before moving on to the school studies. I’ve been putting it off and I just couldn’t do that anymore. It took me about four + hours to just get a few phrases honestly. I was mostly shuffling back and forth from my notes because nothing made sense to me. (I put off my studies for too long!!) I managed to please myself enough to finally take a break to play video games.

( My desk as I attempted to study )

I’ve found it easier to focus on playing video games. Actually wait, let me start at the beginning. Video games was my go to happy place. It gave me the skill of invisibility as I would drop reality and lavish myself in the world of fantasy. I literally found myself unable to function for awhile and video games just gave me a sense of security. Once I realized that was literally unhealthy and I wanted to do things with myself I stopped all together. Playing the occasional iPhone games when I wanted to pass time, or if I found myself bored. Which is a huge leap considering I breath, and bled video games. Anyways, long story short (LOL) I wasn’t able to stay focused on videos games after that. I wanted to do other things while playing so I was constantly distracted, which made myself feel worse. But now that I know the difference, and now that I know how to manage I feel like I can play them as a reward! So that’s what I did. For like, two-three hours just smashing away on my 3DS. It was nice.

Now here I am in bed unable to sleep for god knows what reason at 1:14am. Anxiety is gone but my brain doesn’t want to shut off.

Crap.


Don’t forget to follow me on social media! Check out my Etsy Page and the Facebook Support Group below!

| Etsy|Facebook Mental Health Support group!|Twitter|Instagram|YouTube|

Check out my tumblr page here! For cool discount codes!!

Check out my tumblr page for my favorite books and stationery here!

Advertisements

In the life of faith

Here I am once again just not doing the things I said I would. Apologies mean nothing now if you ask me.

Honestly, I’m in a spot. I’m in this spot and I know how to get out of it but it’s going to take some time and I feel as though I don’t have that time. How do I get time? I mean, I don’t want like hyper-speed. I just want to have everything I need right here right now so I can move on from this spot, ya know?

My relationship had never been better and I’m honestly so happy that we’re finally coming together as one. The situation we’re in had so much anxiety that it affects all other parts of my life AND day. I don’t want to go home, I want to cry all day long from the stress and anxiety, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone. And this all happened a little more than a month ago but I’ve realized that certain things I just can’t control. I’ve also realized that regardless of what is happening to me, there are many other things I can control, so I should move on and focus on those instead. It’s been a huge motivator for me. I’ve always been an independent person but it’s come to the point that I’m allowed- no, I deserve to be selfish. I will never let family influence me, control me, dictate or let their opinions hurt me ever again. And I mean it this time because I know how to handle these situations. This is honestly the best breakthrough I’ve had. Maybe this is more of an epiphany? Level of awareness? I don’t know but I feel more in control now than I ever have.

School is still going great! I just love it so much. I’ve been better on trying to fit in my Japanese during the week because it’s still a language I want to learn, and you darn right I worked very hard just to learn what I know now. I hope to one-day tour Japan and have some sort of school affair with them! (Living/working there is a challenge)

With that said I’m thinking maybe I should find some other part-time job? Because I’ve lost close to 20 hours a week and I can’t afford that. It’s in the air and we shall see, but it’s a thought I had while taking a shower. My “move out list” is gathering dust because I haven’t bought one item. I’m going to move out and having nothing to my name! (Laughing emoji)

Overall? Overall I’m ok. I’ve been more grateful for another day of living vs the things that keep me alive lately. I’ve been selfless also, which is a huge step for me because I was always selfish before. I felt like every day was the end of the world and I had to keep everything for myself. Not anymore. 🙂

My most common habits are etched into my bones. I wash my face, floss, and brush my teeth every day now that it’s literally impossible for me to do anything else until those are done. My teeth are so healthy! And washing my face is just relaxing, helps to calm me down or wake me up! Now I have to try and find other things as their replacements because I don’t even write about those anymore.

This months bullet journal had more around school and less about my personal life. Which is ok, I guess. I never noticed until I started to write this out, I do have other ways to write about my days but I never do.

Well, here is to the new week. Sunday is my favorite day!


 

Etsy|Facebook Mental Health Support Group|Twitter|Instagram|YouTube|

img_0194

Check out my tumblr page here! For cool discount codes!!
Check out my tumblr page for my favorite books and stationery here!

Rest is more important than you think.

I’ve been a huge advocate when it comes to taking your time on things and learning when to have a break and or a breathing moment. Even at work, school, events, at home, just about anywhere you would feel like you would need a break.

Over time I’ve noticed that I do need to take a step back. Noticing when I need to just have a moment to breath, get some water and food in me. Which actually happens a lot throughout my day. And today, in particular, was pretty rough.

I’m going to start off with that I’ve been working since last Monday, and I don’t have a day off of work until this Wednesday. They did ask me if that was ok, and I didn’t mind because work isn’t stressful and I felt like I could handle it. I didn’t even flinch, I said “yup, it’s no problem!” and that was Tuesday. I’ve been trying to maintain some self-care whenever and however I can since I knew I wouldn’t have much time for myself between work days. This Wednesday I have to do some really important errands so I won’t have much to myself but I’m working really hard!

Last night I had a rough night because work got a bit stressful and I honestly couldn’t think straight. I found out halfway through that I was doing more babysitting of my co-worker than actually focusing on myself and getting my work done. She is still new so I have this urge to always come to her side when something happens. Sadly, she was having a terrible day and that definitely affected me as well. Her bad vibes rubbed off on me which I could have avoided altogether but I’m not that person. Or at least, I feel like I need to maintain this image I have of myself which would mean me always coming to the rescue and helping when I can. I notice when I get huffy and puffy I don’t have much to give anymore and that’s how I was feeling yesterday.

Which brings us to today. I woke up late, which is a great start to any morning. For some reason, I thought that I had plenty of time to wake up and get to work seeing as how I didn’t need to be there until 9:30 at the latest. I didn’t leave the how until 9:40 which is when I need to clock in for my shift and open the store at 10:00am. Yup, I did that. I was all over the place as I tried to get out the door, I didn’t have a chance to bring food or anything and it really sucked.

I was under the impression that Sundays were slow, considering that all the places that I’ve worked were always slow. Wrong. I had a woman outside waiting for us to open and that just set my day even more. I wasn’t ready to work and I just didn’t want to be there at that point. For the first two hours, I watched as people lined up, clogged my register, drop off, pick up, call, piss and more all before noon. I had only been awake for two hours, and I was already huffing and puffing trying to stay as calm as possible. I like to think that just about everyone has more of their fair share of these kinds of days.

I noticed as I was coming home almost an hour after when I should have been clocked out that I didn’t have anything for myself today. I didn’t sit down, eat, drink, breath like.. nothing. The things I push others to do, I did not do for myself today. I don’t know it made me feel more overwhelmed like I didn’t even think twice about not taking a break, I was more focused on pushing through the day and just getting it over with that I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry and let it all out and just put the day behind me and move on. Just a huge wave that swept me under and I got lost in the tide underneath, unable to come up for air. Wave after wave after wave after fucking wave. I was so close to just freaking out in my car, unable to move as I let the day paralyze me. God, thinking about it now really puts me back into that state of mind, that panic.

I did a voice recording also because my therapist asked me to try and write about my triggers, how I feel before, during and after something. Identifying triggers is so hard and it’s a lengthy process but I think it’s worth it. Self-awareness is key to life in my opinion and everyone should practice it.


Check out some of my other posts and videos below!

How to start a bullet journal (2018) ,
Mental illness feels like: second hand anxiety. ,
Why I didn’t do a New Years Resolution 2018!

Etsy|Facebook MH group!|Twitter|Instagram|YouTube|

img_0194

Check out my tumblr page here! For cool discount codes!!
Check out my tumblr page for my favorite books and stationery here!

 

Bird by Bird, it’s a lifestyle

Lately, I’ve been trying to write.. but all I want to write about is the progress of my bullet journal. and I feel as though that is not as personal or the intent of my blog, at least, not yet anyway. I get so many waves of confusion when I want to blog also, like I feel as though I want my blog to be ONE thing but.. I don’t want it to be “one thing” I want it to be me. I want to share my studies, the books I read and overall my life. I don’t want it to be just about mental health, even though I DO live with a mental illness, and I do want people to read my posts and go “I relate!” but my mental health is just 50% of my life. The other 50% is me actually living it. I wrote about something similar a while back wondering if I was a lifestyle blog or not.

I’ve been using this app called “Bear” lately to write down some journal entries to help myself feel better, and it’s been working well. A year ago I asked to have some books for Christmas that focused on writing and general tips on how to write. This one is called ‘Bird by Bird‘ by Anne Lamott. I’m still reading it… almost a year later, but she spoke about his life as a daughter of a writer and how she witnessed certain things she thought was normal for writers. She observed her surroundings, the sounds she heard, the sunshine or the night sky. What she smelled and how she felt and so many other things that I related too. What I’ve learned from her so far is just being in the moment of wherever you are in your day or in your life and you should just write it down. Write it all down and live in it. I love that mindset. It helps me be mindful and accepting what is going on. I’ve never thought of it until now, but I should start asking myself what I can change to make my surroundings different, that could be interesting.

I went back to read some of the pieces I wrote when I had some downtime at work and I feel as though I’m there again. I’m not sure how to explain it but I just really appreciate what I’ve learned and how I am willing to record what I can. You can read what I wrote here via my google docs. And here is a recent piece I did that for some reason… I’m proud of. The place that I was in that night was horrible and I was so lonely and depressed and I desperately wanted someone to just talk too. I wanted to have a friend that wanted to have a conversation with me about anything. I alienated myself for so long and I found it normal to be alone and not “talk” to anyone. Yet, when I went out into the world and went to work all I wanted to do was unload on anyone that seemed interested in me. Woot, and that is when my anxiety would kick in and I knew I spoke too much. It always felt personal whatever I said to that person always felt personal even if it was nothing about me or my life in general.

For now I’m going to stick with my personal thoughts and keep writing in my journal.


 

Etsy|Facebook MH group!|Twitter|Instagram|YouTube|

img_0194

Check out my tumblr page here! For cool discount codes!!
Check out my tumblr page for my favorite books and stationery here!

 

 

 

There is no backstage crew behind closed curtains.

I find myself at a loss for words as I stand here at my mother’s kitchen island and write this out. I’m just baffled, tongue-tied and all-around confused at last weeks events. Like, I just want to go “this was the worse week ever!!!!” but it wasn’t the worse week it was just a difficult week.

I’ve talked about how I work two jobs and so far everything is going great, or was, going great until this past week. (Last Saturday to be exact) My primary job is short-handed and between 5 other people and I, rotate shifts each day. No one person has the same day off and they are spread out heavily throughout the week. Which that alone is very stressful and I don’t want to be that person that goes “I work two jobs I would love just one day off” so I keep my mouth shut and just bite the bullet. My work schedules stack on one another thankfully so when I have a day off it’s from both jobs. But that’s beside the point here, I don’t complain at either jobs and I come into work happy and ready to get things done.


 

I started drafting this yesterday after work because I wanted to post something. I knew I had to share something yet I find myself all over the place. Like, I’ve found myself with my blog where I want to post for views but I’ve never been that way before. I want to post things in hope someone will find it useful? Yet all the other blogs I read, comment, interact with and overall adore? They don’t do that. They write about their day, goals, what happened and more and have no problem what so ever. And that’s why I adore them so much, yet here I am struggling to be perfect when I’m not perfect.

I’ve been keeping myself up for over the last two weeks. It’s been nonstop working and I can’t find a moment for myself and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. All I know is that I want about 4-6 days off to myself to whatever it is I want. Whether that’s to sleep and eat all those days, read, binge watch tv, crochet, paint or whatever!! It is!!! I want that time to myself. I’m tired now. So very tired and I don’t want to do much of anything right now. My work is nothing, it’s temporary to make myself feel good when I’m ready to go out and shop for things I don’t fucking need. I want to give back and I am that makes me feel great also but at the end of the day??? I’m left with only me and my hard stern feelings at night. My relationship is a joke, my library books are overdue, my toenails need to be done I just want endless iced coffee, and I just want to be alone.

I’ve realized that many people come to me for help and I never have a me. I don’t have another me to go too and ask for help when I need it because no one will tell me the things I need to hear. No one will tell me to my face what’s going on and what would be the healthy way to handle situations or tell me to take my meds and remind me to drink water… at the end of the day it’s just me. Me struggling with my own problems and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Mental illness feels like; sleepless nights

As I’m typing this, I’m cautious pacing between the dinning room and the kitchen. I’m subconsciously making my way to the living room as well, which I didn’t know until now. The television is on and it’s agrivating to me. Like my nerves are stretched so thin, I feel as though I much just punch the tv off it’s stand. But I won’t. I’m just going to keep moving, and try to avoid that space. 

Roughly four hours ago I found myself sleepy. The type of sleepy where you could lay down and just go right to sleep. “She was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow” type sleepy. However, I can see now that was my window of opportunity because I can not sleep. I don’t have any more emotions to spare I’m just ready to sleep. I want to rest. I want to shut down and move on to the new day that technically started almost an hour ago. I want my mind to shut off and recharge and just move on

I don’t want to be pacing around in the middle of the night. I hate it. I’m wasting energy I don’t have, because m reserve tank is in the negative. It has nothing else to give. It’s tapped out. It’s quaking with thirst- dehydration even! The reserve tank might implode from fumes. 

I work in roughly eight hours. Which means I have to be up and moving around in at least seven hours. Which means I might get that six to seven hours of sleep. Which won’t even be a restful sleep. It will be the tossing and turning my brain won’t shut off type of sleep. A mild case of insomnia. I know nothing I had today contributed to my restlessness. I had a macchiato around 1-2pm and as soon as I took the first gulp I had as ready to crawl into bed and sleep. Instead I pushed myself to do things. 

I crawled out of bed, changed my cloths, brushed my teeth, out on deodorant and made my way to the dinning room table which has all my school work sprawled from one end to the other. For three hours I studied. And sadly, it took me about three hours just to get situated to study. I felt out of place, not sure on where to start yet I knew what I needed to do. God, I don’t know what happen. Today was overwhelming. I guess I should have seen this coming. I could have taken my sleep meds at the very least if I reacted quickly. It doesn’t matter now. 

I don’t have a solution to this problem, sadly whatever I do what induce sleep. My feet are throbbing though so that’s a good sign. Maybe if I do this for another twenty minutes my body will be physically enxhausted and I can sleep. Yeah right. I don’t have any sleepy tea, if I read I’ll be too wired (which is typically how I end my night because it makes me sleepy, but I’m already strung out so my mind might take advantage of some fiction). My bed is also uncomfortable and the only other place I could sleep is on the floor. But thinking about that reminds me of horrible times. So that’s out of the question. 

I’ll just keep pacing then. 

Mental illness feels like; random panic attacks. 

If you asked me about four years ago, why I would suddenly burst into tears or why I was tearing up, or WHY I was acting so “needy”. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I would just say “I’m tired” or “I don’t feel good”. Emotions are just a hair ball, ya know. You eat them all up until it gets struck in your throat or tummy and then barf it all up. Yeah, I said it. 

Today started out normal. I had trouble staying asleep last night but I didn’t let it affect my day. Instead I just woke up and went to work with my banana and with the mindset of taking the day as it came. About two hours into my 9 hour workday I was going down the daily chore list. It’s the same one I do every morning and the same one I forget to do. As I’m washing the windows peacefully, literally minding my own business. Not thinking of anything in particular my mind instantly goes blank. The type of blank I would compare to your television going static on you before returning back to live. And when I came live… it was just so instant. So intense it rocked me to my eye sockets. I mean, I don’t know how else to describe it. 

My mind plundered into my relationship. Ripping it apart, making assumptions and wanting to make me a victim of a victimless crime. My mind started to overthink and wrote a tell tale series on how my relationship was a joke and how my boyfriend didn’t love me. TOTALLY mind numbing. I couldn’t move and I felt that intense pressure in my face as it swelled into tears. I knew the path I was venturing on if I continued to feed into these thoughts. However, the only way I knew how to calm them was to just vent it out quickly to my boyfriend. 

“Hey I was overthinking and I’m about to have a panic attack. Are we ok?” 

“Sure as shit we are. 😎” 

I laughed so hard at his response. It took me over an hour (as I bobbed and weeved to the front of house to the back where my phone was) to get some reassurance on those irrational thoughts. I felt better in the end, and I’m overjoyed at how my boyfriend and I handled it. 

I learned today that I can’t bottle up my thoughts and shove them somewhere unseen. My mind will race until it’s a 12 book series. And at that point I’m so moody and all over the place I snap and cry at everything. Literally over spilt milk. And yes, I’ve done it a few times.  

Today was a healing day. I caught my panic attack in time, and I learned how to move on from it. This is really one for my real books. 🙂