Mental illness feels like; late night anxiety. 

Earlier today I was told a comment that destroyed my day. It took me my whole day to shove that comment down and tell it to fuck off. 

Sadly, the beldam wanted to fight. Today she didn’t even knock at the door. She crept through the unlocked secret window. I should have locked that damn latch. 

My day was going well to start this post off. I got up feeling good and ready to relax. I did t even sweat today because I just wanted to take this day for myself. Relax, watch some greys anatomy eat junk food and just do whatever I wanted to do. I wanted to take today as my self care day. And then suddenly in the late afternoon I heard it. It wasn’t directed towards me, however, it was about me. Which made it all the worse. 

I’ve been working on just letting my bubble catch those types of things. Shit, to be completely honest with you I had only one intense day of self negativity. And it was at work so to me it didn’t count. But today? Oh god today was just whack. 

Today is my sisters birthday. Yesterday was my mother’s, and in the 4th was my fathers. Yeah you read that right. All of them born in October, so the month is all about them. Which I love because we get to do things back to back to back. Who wouldn’t want to be apart of that? So as I’m sitting in my bed, watching greys anatomy it hits me. Right in my lower gut, burning and aching and crippling. 

My anxiety lasted for hours. My body was just t airing itself from the inside out as I sunk deeper into my mattress. My brain was avoiding the overthinking at all costs. Which I was grateful for. I would rather deal with the physical symptoms then what my mind wanted to tell me. And then suddenly it’s time to go out. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go. I wasn’t sure if I did want to go either. For roughly 2 minutes I thought about the consequences of not attending this outing. So I went. Not without some type of help though. 

Yup, I took some medicine that’s suppose to negate my anxiety. Which I think backfired. And I’ll tell you why in a second. As I’m walking out the door I get the sudden urge to weep. The uncontrollable, choking on air while my tear stained face concaves on itself type weeping. I’m thankful for the dark of night (once again) because it’s shielding my face. And as I climb into the back seat it goes away like it never happened. So here is where the back fire began. 

As were snuggling up into the movie theater seats, I feel that familiar gush of emotions in the bottom of my gut. Almost a whole hour had past since I took my medication. So I was confused as to what was triggering it. As the movie begins it hits me. Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. I was agitated, sighing left and right and a tiny bit frustrated at nothing. It died down I would guess a little bit before the middle of the movie. Where I just continued to sigh and bounce my leg up and down. 

It backfired in theory because my medication slows my central nervous system, which almost entirely shuts off my emotional trigger. I wasn’t able to enjoy the movie to it’s full potiental. I think in moments were I should have jumped in fear didn’t happen. Ahh thank you meditation. 

Overall, I can’t tell you how I feel about taking the medication. I don’t think it ruined my night, just the movie for me. Or maybe it just wasn’t that scary to me (it wasn’t oh my god I was ready to sleep!!) and I’ve grown out of the weak scary movie genre. I also wasn’t going to let the Beldam win today, so I made sure she knew who was boss. I’m proud to say I can see the urges to run away and hide in my closet. I’m also proud to say I can stand up to those feelings and address them. HANDLING them is a different story. However, noticing what they are, I think, is the first step to recovery. 

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